My boyfriend lives with his babymother
Dear Counsellor,
I am in love with a guy I met while I was at university. However, he currently lives with a woman with whom he has a daughter. He assures me that they are separated. He told me that he is just living with her for financial reasons and because he would like to be there for his daughter. I told him that he has to live on his own for us to continue together in this relationship. He tells me that he plans to leave but he has to get his finances together which would take him a year or so to do.
On two occasions, his babymother tried to contact me over the phone. He told me that she checked the bill and saw my number on it multiple times and they had an argument over this. I told him that I find it strange for her to be contacting me if they are not together.
I have given him an ultimatum that I cannot continue with him knowing that he still lives with her. However, he says that he really loves me and that I should have faith in him. I left him two years ago because of this situation but he says he does not want to lose me this time around. Should I believe him this time? What should I do?
So Mr Mention lives with his child’s mother and would want to assure you that there are no romantic feelings towards her and that the status is strictly a co-parenting arrangement. Whereas this is not a novel approach utilised by many couples, the idea of both partners sharing the same house and even bedroom is quite untenable.
One appreciates the financial challenges that would make it difficult for one partner to move out, but any semblance of a close connection with an ex would make the new partner most uncomfortable.
If he says he wants to be there for his daughter, what does that tell you? Surely the child’s mother is not going to release their daughter if he were to move out. And because there is no definite timetable for the physical separation, your anxiety level will be elevated as you sit in limbo waiting for that decisive move.
The babymother’s attempts to contact you are not to commend you for being friendly with her child’s father, but moreso to express her displeasure. It could be that she has no intention of losing her gentleman to you and will seek to frustrate your efforts. It could also be that Mr Mention is in the process of terminating their relationship and she is resisting his plan.
As you contemplate your future in this relationship, giving an ultimatum is necessary. But what happens if there is little or no change in his financial status and he can’t move out tomorrow or next week? Would you be extending the ultimatum deadline or will you trust him to work things out in his own time?
What is interesting is that you reported that you had a similar episode two years ago, but this time he pledges to make a change. Well, if there is ever a time that actions speak louder than words, it is now. If he is serious about having you in his life as his bonafide woman, then he has to do all that is necessary to secure your faith in him, which includes physical separation from his child’s mother.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
