Torn between two men
Dear Counsellor,
I’m 27 and I am in a very serious relationship which with God’s grace might lead to marriage. The relationship is seven years old, and we’re thinking of getting engaged next year.
The problem is, my ex and I work at the same place. It wasn’t an acrimonious break-up; I was the one who needed a break although he tried all he could to stop me from leaving.
My ex knows I’m in a serious relationship and he says he’s happy for me. He told me that he sees all the love we have for each other on social media and he is always praying for me and my relationship. The problem is that he’s being too nice, loving and caring. He buys me gifts. Now I’m beginning to love him back.
My boyfriend is a good man who is caring, loving, and will do anything he can just to make me happy. We live in different places. Recently he’s been getting boring and is not romantic at all. I don’t know if this is all because I’m always seeing my ex, or because I talk to him a lot more. We see each other every day and hang out as friends.
My ex has told me that he loves me, he thinks about me, and that I’ve grown into a wonderful woman. He doesn’t want to be the one to ruin my relationship because he really wants me to get married to my boyfriend because he says he respects him. However, he says he loves and wants me. I’m thinking that I could maybe enjoy his company for the time being until I get married and then don’t think about him afterwards. I’m so confused as I love him, but at the same time I love my husband-to-be too. What do I do?
My ex has told me that he loves me, he thinks about me, and that I’ve grown into a wonderful woman. He doesn’t want to be the one to ruin my relationship because he really wants me to get married to my boyfriend because he says he respects him. However, he says he loves and wants me. I’m thinking that I could maybe enjoy his company for the time being until I get married and then don’t think about him afterwards. I’m so confused as I love him, but at the same time I love my husband-to-be too. What do I do?
As the line in the song says, “Torn between two lovers, loving you both is breaking all the rules.” It is a very awkward position to be trying to share your heart with two persons, giving each 100 per cent of your love and attention.
Others would be envious of you and say you are quite fortunate to have two men who are romantically interested in you as they have no such luck.
So, as fate would have it, your ex works with you, which makes the situation quite convenient for a reconnection. It is said that proximity increases the opportunity for friendships to flourish. This is compounded since you both have a history together and seeing each other every day is inevitable.
There was obviously no closure on this relationship and so it was easy for the flames to be turned up as they were not extinguished but turned down low.
Your ex evidently still has more than a passing interest in you and his display of affection and compliments is not accidental. Another line in the song that aptly describes his action would be, “I am working my way back to you…” The showering of gifts and the caring attitude and behaviour are all a part of his comeback strategy. And it does appear that you are playing into his hands, literally.
So even though he claims he respects the fact you are already in a committed relationship that may result in marriage, he would be delighted if you told him tomorrow that you have broken off the relationship with your boyfriend.
It is not unusual that you are now comparing both men and seeing the one that you are close to physically and who is especially nice as the one who meets your approval. This may well be a part of your ex’s agenda. What would complicate matters is if you became intimate with this guy.
So your plan is to enjoy as much of your free time as possible with your ex in the interim as you prepare to move to the next stage of your relationship. Bad idea, as the more time you both spend together the stronger the emotions will be and the more difficult it will be to separate.
To deal with your confused state of mind, you will have to do your pros and cons on both guys and make a determination one way or the other.
Bear in mind, though, that your present boyfriend who you claim is a nice person would be obviously devastated if he were to be dumped when he knows he has done nothing to hurt you.
You may want to consider working on your present relationship and help your partner step up where he is lacking.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
