I miss my ex
Dear Counsellor,
I am 28 years old, married, and just had a baby 14 months ago. When I met my husband, my ex had literally broken up with me a few weeks earlier, and now it’s coming back to haunt me. I truly thought I was over him because that was the second break-up and there was no room for a third. To be honest, being with him was the best part of my life. However, I truly did not trust him for several reasons.
I acted very impulsively and jumped right into a new relationship trying to get over it, because he made me think he never really loved me and I’d loved him for so many years. When I met my husband, to me it was a breath of fresh air. My husband really does love me and I love him, but he is just not what he made himself out to be. When I met him he had a career, was organised, and well groomed. Now all he does is suffocate me so much and he isn’t driven to do anything. I do everything; I even have to find him jobs. All he wants to do is have sex with me all the time. He does express how attracted he is to me and compliments me, but I need more than just sex and staying inside like a doll.
I think he is a terrific father, lover, and husband, but I don’t need someone to smother me. I am very independent and I’d prefer someone who doesn’t need me to tell him what to do, or who expects me to do things for him. I’m so upset because he cares for me, he is a good person, but good doesn’t mean it’s right that he is hurting me. I feel fooled. I don’t know what to do. It’s like I don’t think we should have got married in the first place. Please help me.
What you are now experiencing is the reason we say it’s not always a good idea to rush into another relationship just after you ended one. Rebound relationships tend to be formed out of a reaction to a hurt and are most times emotionally driven.
The fact that your ex initiated the break-up made you furious, and so you wanted to send the message to him that you were worthy of any man of your choice. So without processing the loss and properly ventilating your feelings, being in a very vulnerable state led to your irrational move.
Now as you try to deal with the consequences of your impulsive action, a critical component of your damage control strategy must be to address the disappointment you experience with the undelivered expectations. According to you, you have been fooled, as the behaviour patterns you are seeing now in your partner is not what you saw then. Don’t forget that in the courtship part of the relationship both partners are putting on their best show and so display behaviours to impress the other.
Could it be also that in your emotional state you overlooked some of the red flags concerning your partner? Was he clingy and possessive? Did he display any extreme jealousy traits? Your reaction to your ex’s rejection would have made you more than happy for the emotional support you were receiving. And certainly then you didn’t mind his extremely healthy appetite for sex. But you are correct, a wholesome relationship involves more than sexual relations.
So it seems that there needs to be an honest conversation between the both of you regarding the undelivered expectations. What is required is a dialogue, not an argument. The communication must be cordial and respectful. Although you are somewhat disillusioned at this stage of the relationship, it is important that you make an effort to be non-confrontational.
You mention some positive traits of your partner that you should always embrace despite the limitations. Share with him your concerns and try not to compare him with your ex or any other male friends. Deflating his ego would not be a wise thing to do if you wish to see him make changes.
His smothering is his way of showing his love and attention. So gently guide him as to what you would prefer. Job-hunting skills may not be his area of strength and so he may need some professional help in that regard.
It may be necessary to engage the services of a counsellor to discuss some of the mitigating factors that are impacting your relationship. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
