I can’t move on
Dear Counsellor,
Three years ago I left a relationship due to infidelity, trust issues, and other factors. We had plans to get married, get a home and start a family but knowing what had taken place and how rocky the relationship was, it couldn’t work even after we both went to counselling. I have loved this man since I was a teenager and our separation as well as the fact that he entered a relationship just a few weeks after we separated has taken a toll on me. Now in my late 20s, I find it hard to be in a relationship and not compare the persons to him (good or bad traits). I also often keep little tabs on him to see what he is up and how his life is going. I’d like to be in a meaningful relationship and erase how I feel about him. After all, it’s been so long since we have been separated but I am at a loss how to do so effectively.
It is obvious that you are still grieving the loss of the relationship. Some people take a long time to process, primarily because they refuse to accept the reality of the situation and are hoping for reconciliation.
In your case, you made the decision to walk after experiencing incidents of infidelity, but because of the good memories you shared with this person from your teenage years, it would be difficult to dismiss these thoughts. No doubt you have wondered if you made the right decision and maybe even blame yourself for terminating the relationship, especially as he started a new relationship soon after.
It is not unusual for one partner after a break-up to feel a sense of doubt and betrayal and still have strong feelings for the other person. You certainly must have done a thorough assessment of the relationship and came to the conclusion that you would be better off to walk away to safeguard your emotional health.
So when doubtful thoughts intrude, you must always remind yourself that the decision you made was in your best interest. And like every decision we take in life, there are the attendant consequences.
If you have ended the relationship you can’t keep looking back in the rear-view mirror, or you will never see anybody before you. So instead of checking up on him, try to refocus your efforts on someone with whom you may have an interest or who may have an interest in you. By the way, have you noticed that the gentleman has moved on with his life? Maybe you should do the same.
Comparing any new person you meet with your ex could also be counterproductive, as each person must be judged on his merit. You obviously use your ex as the measuring stick, but the likely outcome is that you will see the new person as a cheater as well, and so he may not even get a chance to prove to you that he is strong on commitment.
So although you may not be able to erase how you feel about him, try to sever the emotional attachment strings by making little or no contact with him and removing items of sentimental value like pieces of jewellery that you may have received from him. Pictures, too, can bring back memories, so you may want to rid yourself of such souvenirs.
If you are not ready to begin a new relationship, then wait until you are emotionally ready, and don’t entertain the thought of getting involved with someone else to spite your ex. Just take it slow. Don’t worry, be happy.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
