Could you genuinely trust someone again after a bad relationship?

BUILDING great, big walls to protect your heart against future betrayal is a natural response for anyone who has been hurt.

And while letting your guard down and giving in to your fears is perhaps the recipe for exposing yourself to another heartbreak, you may very well want to try it if you have the faintest hope of regaining control of your ability to trust, especially the person who is the source of your pain.

Sex therapist Dr Sydney McGill defines trust as a firm belief in a person’s truth and reliability.

“Trust is a sure foundation in all relationships. It allows us to feel safe, relaxed and confident in a relationship — to feel free to love with little fear that would make us become self-protective. It makes possible everything that is worthwhile in life,” Dr McGill said.

“Trusting God, the creator of all things, is the first trusting relationship we should practise. Also, trusting yourself to do the right thing (integrity/reliability) begins with becoming more self-aware, self-confident and mindful. Believing in the truth and reliability of others develops when trust becomes mutual as you share life, workspace or things together over time.”

Dr McGill underscores that the body and mind are designed to protect themselves, and that includes from all forms of emotional injury that the body may be exposed to — betrayal or any other associated conflict to a mutually understood commitment.

“Nobody wants to open themselves to rejection or heartbreak, especially if it is the same person that caused them pain. They will even think that the person will invariably take advantage of them again, that they are inferior or are failures because the person, in their opinion, valued them so little that they believed it was okay to do something they knew would hurt them,” Dr McGill explained.

This, he also explained, could be more difficult for people with existing trust issues; in fact, they are now more magnified, and may require the assistance of a counsellor to jump the hurdles of betrayal and to help them trust again. He said even when your ability to trust has been incapacitated, there are a number of self-taught strategies that you could practise on your journey to rebuilding trust. These include:

1. Giving yourself time to heal

The sex therapist said rebuilding trust will take time and you should know that you can take as much time as it requires for you to heal. “Work on yourself. Acknowledge your pain and work through it while rebuilding your confidence. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the other person hurting you. Know also that it could have happened to anyone, that you are strong enough to cope with and recover from the pain you have been caused,” he said.

2. Don’t let your guard down

“Be aware of your feelings and thoughts towards a partner, friend, relative or co-worker, and notice that we judge depending on our past experiences. But equally important is being observant enough that you lessen the likelihood of letting in someone who is undeserving of your trust,” Dr McGill said.

3. Hold people accountable

While doing this, Dr McGill said it is important that you do not use it to define them. “At this point, consider whether or not the person is worth trusting. Is the person willing to talk about what happened? Are they willing to look at being recommitted to understand the boundaries and to prove that they respect you? You can’t keep revisiting the past or haunting the person that hurt you with what they did to you. Think of the positive intentions and the good things that they did for you,” he said.

4. Forgive

Dr McGill said while you don’t accept what they did, you can forgive them and help yourself as well. “With forgiveness, also consider the fact that you will have to learn not to become obsessed with the person’s every move out of suspicion. He/she is not a child, and if you continue to watch their every step you will not only fail to learn to trust them again, but you may not trust anyone else. Showing empathy builds greater levels of trust,” he said.