Frustrated with our living conditions
Dear Counsellor,
I’ve lived with a man for over 15 years. We love each other without a doubt. He asked me to marry him once, but because we didn’t have much, I refused, telling him we needed more important things — like a roof over our heads. We eventually moved into a house with members of his family, but it has been most inconvenient. He tries his best to make me comfortable, but I am the unhappiest person alive, and he knows this. He is a very quiet person. He tries his best to please his family and is afraid to hurt their feelings. I am frustrated with this situation.
The decision to live with a partner’s family members is one that must involve serious discussion between the partners. There are several compelling and practical reasons why families live together. The economic situation is such that many families decide to combine their resources and co-exist under one roof. With this decision comes challenges that will seriously test the relationship of the couple.
The usual pattern, as you have indicated, is the peacemaker role of the family member who is connected to both families. He must try to make you happy and at the same time ensure he does not offend members of his family. Invariably there will be moments of conflict and contention between you and them. The elders in the house may even want to impose their family values on you, and sometimes for a peaceful life you may even concede to their wishes. This no doubt can be most distressing for you.
Sometimes the “man in the middle” takes the side of his own family members, and this creates discord between the couple. If your partner is afraid to confront his family members on something that negatively impacts you, then certainly you will feel a sense of loneliness as it appears that your partner has abandoned you and does not have your interests at heart.
So there needs to be a conversation with your partner regarding your discomfort. He should appreciate that you have made great sacrifices and have endured much inconvenience over the years.
If the economic situation is such that moving out of the family home is not an option, then ways should be found for peaceful co-existence and clear boundaries established and respected between the parties.
It is incumbent on your partner to address the discord where it exists, and he must be proactive in this regard. He must always strike a balance, split the justice, and be prepared to challenge his family members if need be.
There may be a member of his family who is sympathetic to your situation and with whom you can share your concerns. If not, find a friend whom you can confide in and share your feelings.
Try as much as you can to avoid any unpleasant confrontations with his family members that would make living under the same roof unbearable.
At the same time, as an adult, you must be able to freely express your opinions and feelings. The recommendation is that you be assertive rather than aggressive in the way you communicate with them.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
