What it’s really like to date a mama’s boy

THE mother-son relationship is said to directly influence how a man treats his woman. It is therefore usually music to the ears of a woman when she learns that the man she is dating shares a very healthy bond with his mother, since this could very well translate to an abundance of love, respect, and a man who is more likely to understand her.

But these relationships sometimes not only produce a good man, but one so preoccupied with his mother that he talks about her non-stop, consults her whenever he has to make a decision, and continuously seeks her validation — habits which will undoubtedly raise “mama’s boy” red flags. And while some of us have only heard of and dreaded this scenario, there are those among us who have actually lived it.

Below two women share their stories:

Andrea:

We dated for approximately four years. I can imagine you would say that I love torture, but that’s not it at all. We even at one point lived together and I think that is when everything broke down. I guess the thing that you must know about a mama’s boy is that they will know how to love you, they will know the right things to say and do, but then I was always wondering whether I could let him on to things that were very personal and not expect him to say anything to her. He was spoilt — he was used to her doing everything. Sometimes I would be sweeping the yard, cooking, washing and everything while he was watching football or something. I observed this also in their space. When we were around his mother, I was basically a third party to the conversation. He’d talk, she would talk, and it would continue like that until I’d get on my phone and he’d try to save face. It’s like it was always a constant competition. She looked over the gifts he got me and so on. She asked about what I cooked, and even tried schooling me on healthy meals and what he likes and doesn’t like. Something else that never gets old is that he wanted to see her in me. He encouraged me to learn stuff from her, like how to cook stew peas or do the shirt folds because he liked it that way. Oh, and if he didn’t have it his way, it would be a constant fuss. I’ll just say it was annoying. Though it seemed cute how he understood women, living with him made me lose respect for him. Truth is, nobody wants a spineless man.

Kimoy:

Having met and fallen in love with someone, what is not okay is to learn that you will play second fiddle to his mother until the day she dies, if you are strong enough to hold on to your relationship that long. I felt like a side chick in a triangular relationship. I have no problem with your mom being your best friend, but he obviously preferred spending time with her. He believed she held the answer to everything, and most of the time I felt like I was only getting half of him, and by that I mean I always had a feeling I didn’t really know him. I won’t lie, this man was loving, trustworthy, I always knew where he was, he was good with our daughter, and he always knew the right things to say when I was down and out. But it was also no fun playing the third wheel. He allowed his mother to “correct” me in front of our daughter — she even questioned the way I fed my child. He made decisions without consulting me first, though they would affect me more than they would her. He aimed to please her, and every time it was always about what she would think, would like, or would want.

Consider this: Here I am with my law degree… my man gets into a little trouble, yet he rushes to her for advice and has her call me. She was always there with her nose stuck in our affairs — searching our house when I wasn’t home, making the grocery list (of stuff he liked), and to hell with what I wanted. No matter how unbearable it got and how much I asked him to make her tone things down, he never did.

I even remember once when he was having surgery done, she packed his bag and was determined she would drive him to the hospital, and insisted I get our house tidied for his return. He agreed. And when the surgery was complete and only one person could be allowed in at a time, she used up all the sessions for two days… and he allowed her to! Then when he was discharged, she stayed in our home for three weeks acting like she owned it, so of course I went about my usual business and allowed them bonding time. From there it went from bad to worse. There was no change in this man and none in her, so I beat it.