I don’t trust my married lover
Dear Counsellor,
I am a 30-year-old woman who has been dating a married man over five years now. He makes me happy, he encourages me, and supports my every decision. We are each other’s motivation. We both help each other to achieve our goals and work together to make them successful. I have never been this happy with anyone.
I go everywhere with him. All his friends and family know me and think we are going to get married soon. Most are not aware that he is already married. He doesn’t live with his wife, they have never lived together, and she just visits. They are in the process of initiating divorce proceedings, he says. Apparently she doesn’t know that I exist and she is not the type to dig into stuff. But he says he has not told her that he has moved on because she is cooperating with the divorce and he doesn’t want to upset her.
I don’t trust him when he tells me things about his divorce as he won’t show me any evidence to substantiate his claims. I must confess that I can be a bit of a nag at times, but I just want to know what’s going on.
I need your advice on what to do. I love him and I am in no doubt that he loves me. I want to know if I should continue being patient and happy or just let go.
The challenge of being the other woman is not knowing for sure if the gentleman is going to make good on his promise to break off with his wife and be with you. At the same time, you live with a sense of expectation every day, hoping for an outcome in your favour. Sometimes the process can be lengthy and create more anxiety than hope.
In your case the gentleman has indicated his intentions, but has not been forthcoming with tangible evidence of the divorce proceedings. Knowing where you stand would set your heart at ease, and having some substantial proof would be helpful in deciding the way forward.
Stop for a while and ponder a few things. Right now you are happy and enjoying a good life with the gentleman, but the reality is that he is married to someone else. Is it that you are content in posing as first lady when you know for a fact that that position is held by someone else? You have been dating the gentleman for five years. Why couldn’t it go on for another five years while your status remains the same? What guarantee do you have that he will in fact divorce his wife and marry you? The point I am making is that there is a 50 -50 chance that this relationship may or may not work out.
The wife may know of your existence and choose not to make an issue of it. After all, it is possible that some people she knows may have seen you and her husband out and about on various occasions and spilled the beans.
It is true that matters like a divorce must be handled with sensitivity as upsetting one partner could derail the process, especially if children and property are involved. So, his argument about not telling his wife about his future with you, though seemingly indecisive, could be considered a strategic move on his part.
If you decide to remain in the relationship, you should be prepared to continue the wait-and-see game you have been playing over the past five years, as you may not be able to make any demands given the present circumstances.
Some women in your position would simply relish the moments as long as they last, knowing full well that someday the fun will be over.
You therefore need to consider whether you are comfortable in the present scenario and decide how much longer you are prepared to wait. Let’s hope you do not wait in vain. The conversation you should be having with the gentleman should be about your distress and how best he can help to alleviate your anxieties.
If the divorce comes through, good for you, but be prepared to deal with the emotional pain if it doesn’t. Consider your options and do what is in your best interest. Take care.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
