Things you should never change about yourself for a partner

WE are taught that our intimate partners should love us for who we are, but at the same time we are told that every successful relationship takes a bit of compromise from each party involved.

However, there are a few deal breakers, and according to relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, making the transition from a life of singleness can be quite a challenging experience, especially if you’ve been living the single life for many years.

“The man who is accustomed to throwing down his clothes on the bed when he returns from work, or removing his socks and leaving them on the sofa in the living room will have to remove them forthwith or face the wrath of his wife,” Powell said. “The same applies to the woman who is used to going about her business without consulting with anyone. In her new status she must share her whereabouts with her husband to avoid any suspicious thoughts from her husband.”

But there are some things that you should never change or compromise on when it comes to wanting to secure forever with a partner. These include:

1. Your sense of personhood

“Be yourself and not an extension of your partner,” Powell said.

2. Your moral values

“Maintain your ethical standards,” he said.

3. Your sense of humour

The relationship counsellor said you should continue to be the fun-loving person people know you to be.

4. Your relationships

Powell said you should never sacrifice your spiritual relationship or relationship with your family and friends for your partner.

He said the following are some of the changes that both persons would have to consider if they wish to make a smooth transition.

1. Meals

Powell said if as a single woman you don’t cook unless you are in the mood, this practice may have to be curtailed in order to accommodate your husband’s desire for a cooked meal on a Sunday. He said if, however, as the single man you are accustomed to cooking up a storm, it does not mean you cease this practice the moment you get married. “Carry on with the cooking if you both are comfortable with the arrangement,” he said.

2. Housekeeping

“Washing clothes and cleaning house are two household chores that as single people you either do yourselves or you engage the services of a day’s worker,” Powell said. “In your new status, either one or both may have to take up the responsibilities as there might be a need to save some funds. The key is that both husband and wife must share the work equally.”

3. Friends with benefits

The relationship counsellor said as a single male you may have had many female friends, some of whom you may have flirted with. He said in your new status, “things you used to do, you do them no more”. As a result, Powell said you may have to steer clear of some of these women to avoid the temptation of engaging in an extramarital affair. He said the same advice is applicable to the newly wed female.

4. Nights out

Powell said Friday nights are when you go to the night clubs and cool out with friends. But now that you are married and your spouse is not a “club” person, he said you have to think about pleasing your wife and friends, which will require serious decisions. “You are going to have to make some decisions as it relates to new entertainment activities. You may consider going to the theatre with your wife instead and negotiate with her for a once a month “lime” with the guys,” he said.

5. Night owl and early bird

“One of you may prefer to be up all night either surfing the ‘net or watching TV, an activity you have been doing ever since you moved to your own place. Your partner, on the other hand, may have been an early riser and believes it is a waste of precious time to remain in bed beyond 6:00 am,” the relationship counsellor said. “Again, some amount of compromise must be struck so that the night owl will take an early night occasionally to appease his/her partner and engage in some quality time. The early bird may also need to stay in the “roost” a little longer to also engage in some quality time.”

6. Neat freak and the untidy one

He said over the years as a single person you may have kept a neat pad — everything is in order, even the underwear is folded and colour-coded. But here comes your beloved who is quite the opposite, who places the dirty socks in the same drawer as the clean ones. His argument is that a pair of socks can be worn for two or more days. “As a married couple it is hoped that each one will influence the other and that they both will coexist allowing for compromise on both sides,” Powell said.