Love thy neighbour
Dear Counsellor,
I’m attracted to this neighbour of mine, but had to restrain myself when I found out he had a girlfriend. Then his very close friend moved into the community and we had sex a couple of times. Then the neighbour started making advances, even hinting that he wants to date me. Although he is still with his girlfriend he’s making it seem like it’s no big deal. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
So here it is you have an interest in this guy, but backed off because you thought it was the right thing to do since he is already in a committed relationship. Now that you have cast your eyes elsewhere, Mr Neighbour has now indicated he has an interest in dating you even though he has his steady girlfriend.
Now that you know your desires are mutual, does it mean that you will shift from your original stance of backing off as a mark of respect for his woman? Is it that you will no longer restrain your feelings for him and disregard her?
It is important that you open your eyes and see what is going on. Mr Neighbour wants to keep his present relationship and at the same time be in a secret relationship with you. In other words, you will become his “side chick” or the “other woman”. You should ask yourself these questions: Will I be comfortable with this arrangement? Do I wish to play second fiddle?
The same reason you had for not allowing your heart to rule your head remains: Mr Neighbour’s girlfriend is still in the picture. Will you be able to make this switch without feeling a sense of guilt?
What are your expectations? Are you hoping that he will drop her and be with you full-time? Frankly, that is unlikely to happen. If your objective is to engage in casual sex, then the side chick status is probably what you are interested in.
So now that you have developed a sexual relationship with Mr Neighbour’s good friend, how do you intend to handle what appears to be a potential conflict? Or is it that you will be discreetly dating both men?
You need to sit down and look seriously at the options. Otherwise, you could suffer significant emotional strain and pain.
You should probably back away from both men so that you can sit down and think clearly about what you really want. Are you searching for love? Some women indulge in sex with the hope of receiving love in return, but are often disappointed when the story does not unfold as they expected. This would lead to a devaluing of yourself as you strive for companionship. Unfortunately, there are some men who will take advantage of your vulnerable state.
As they say, if you can’t be good, be careful.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
