I am TORMENTED by the fact that she CHEATED
Dear Counsellor,
I am in a bit of a predicament, so I am seeking your help. About a year ago I discovered that my lady had cheated. We went through hell because of what happened, with several arguments and confrontations. In the end we decided to stay together as she begged for forgiveness, and to be frank, I loved her. But despite staying together, things between us haven’t been easy. I am suspicious about everything she does, and this has caused a few more arguments. The biggest issue I am facing now is that my job has taken me to the Middle East, so we won’t be seeing each other for a while. I hate to say it, but my lack of trust in her has made my time away a nightmare so far. Sometimes I wonder if it’s best to just let the relationship go, but another time I feel as if we can work it through.
She has said she will wait for me because she isn’t willing to go through what we went through last time or further risk what we have, but I’m not sure I’ve accepted that. While I’m away from her, it’s hard to let a day go by without talking to her, and when I do it makes me happy. However, I am haunted by what happened a year ago. It’s been a few months since I have moved away and we’ve spoken about my fears, but I try not to dwell on it with her although it’s on my mind every single day. We are still planning a life together, but I am distressed by thoughts of a repeat performance.
Restoring trust in your partner who was involved in acts of infidelity is certainly a difficult and challenging thing to do, especially when you will not be around to maintain surveillance of her and her activities.
Obviously, you will have a different outlook regarding your partner and no doubt your attitude will change towards her, but if you do accept her admission of unfaithfulness in the relationship, her remorse, and her desire to make amends, then you must make a conscious decision and effort to alter your thoughts and behaviour towards her.
Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting, but it would require letting go and not rehashing the whole episode repeatedly. If you bring up the matter every time you both have an argument, then you would still be holding on and nursing the hurt. This would further drive a wedge between you both.
You have also declared your love for your partner. Is it that your love has dwindled because of her indiscretion? Have you lost the desire to be intimate and sexual with her? It is not unusual to develop emotional detachment, but the more you withdraw the greater the hurt will be.
If, on the other hand, you are highly suspicious and have great difficulty restoring the trust, then instead of punishing yourself and her as well, it’s best that you have that conversation with her and decide on the way forward.
In making your decision, honestly ask yourself how you would expect your partner to respond if you were the one who had committed the indiscretion.
It might also be useful for you to get involved in some activity which could absorb your interest and help to curb your preoccupation with what the lady might or might not do.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
