Hubby can no longer RISE to the occasion
Dear Counsellor,
I am 28 this year and I will also be celebrating four years of marriage with my wife. I truly love her but she no longer trusts me. About two years ago, she caught me texting another woman. I have been suffering from erectile dysfunction ever since. I sometimes think she is having sex with someone else or even cheating on me. I went as far as mentioning this to her, but she kept saying no. What should I do?
The shattered trust has greatly impacted the foundation and stability of the relationship. Your wife no doubt has lost confidence in your ability to remain committed to her and the relationship and so she may be even more vigilant of you and your goings-on. So even though you may have severed ties with the lady you were texting (sexting) she may not believe that you have ceased such activities.
You, on the other hand, because of the challenges in the sex department, may think that she may well be getting help from someone else. And so, you in your mind begin to distrust her even though you may not have any substantial facts. Such are the dynamics at play when one partner decides to be unfaithful in the relationship.
Your erectile issue is obviously acquired and is more psychological than physiological, but it is always best to rule out any medical problems.
Assuming the “plumbing” is functional, the problems could result from the relational challenges where the turmoil in the relationship could affect the sexual desire and arousal. Is it that you have lost interest in having sex with your wife after your liaison with the “text” lady? Do you find that you were more sexually aroused with her than with your wife?
The thoughts you have about your wife having sex with someone else could also affect your ability to be aroused when you are with her as well.
Sexual problems are by and large couple problems and not the individuals’, and so the couple should work together to address the challenges.
It is obvious that the trust issues need to be addressed as the absence of same can destroy the marriage. As you are aware, restoration of trust can be an uphill climb that can take years, and so your wife may still be hurting.
You on the other hand need to be careful that you are not creating a problem that does not really exist, as she may be cheating at all.
It is therefore recommended that you both see a counsellor to discuss and address the relational problems. The health challenges can be best attended to when both of you are on the same page and are committed to the marital relationship.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@seekingshalom.org.
