Is it possible to overdo the dating game?
IN pursuit of the perfect spouse we often go through a period of dating and trying out a number of men or women, in the hope of finding our life partner.
If you are really particular, you may often end up dating several individuals and having great difficulty making a choice. In other words, you like having your cake and eating it too. But life doesn’t work that way, and there will come a point when a conscious decision has to be made.
According to relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, people who indulge in an endless dating game do so for various reasons, which include:
1. Fear of commitment, so when the relationship seems to be heading in that direction they bail out, much to the disappointment of the unsuspecting partner.
2. They are on a frantic search for the perfect mate, so when their expectations are not met they move on to someone else.
3. There are some people who have psychological issues related to attachment, so they withdraw when anyone gets too close, and then continue the search.
4. There are those who seem to want to set a record for the most men/women one can date, so they engage in short stints with anyone who is available. These people are more about what they can get out of these flings than what they are prepared to give.
5. There are others who think it is a great accomplishment to date as many celebrities as possible, and so they date entertainers, politicians, sportsmen/women. This is more about profiling and the financial gains to be had from associating with stars and high-profile personalities.
Powell, however, indicated that when there is a long line of suitors, the technicalities are somewhat different and will require much more thought towards choosing one individual.
“First you have to establish your deal-maker and deal-breaker list — qualities and characteristics you’re looking for in a mate and qualities you will not tolerate. Let the suitors know the rules of engagement so each person is acutely aware of your intentions and expectations. There are some who will declare their hand from early that they are not ready for a serious relationship and would excuse themselves. Others may want a “test drive” before committing,” Powell said.
He explained that by a process of elimination, you will weed out the undesirables, and emphasised that it is important to maintain integrity throughout the process.
“This means that none of your suitors should boast that he got what he wanted and moved on. Don’t fall into a desperate space where you feel that you have to date all of the suitors in order to make a decision. So dating all 12 may be a poor reflection on your reputation. Like in a job interview, not all the applicants will be interviewed, so you do your screening and shortlist to two or three. The same principle obtains. Dating all of these persons simultaneously is also not a smart thing to do,” Powell cautioned.
—Kimberley Hibbert
