How important to relationships is the influence of religion?

RELIGION is usually an uncomfortable topic of conversation for many individuals, regardless of the type of relationship they may have.

In fact, the issue is hardly ever raised unless one person in the relationship – be it intimate, family, friendly or business – asks about your beliefs, or a conversation starts where you express your opinions.

And whenever religious beliefs come up for debate, conflicting views and arguments are expressed as to who is misguided. Probably the most hotly debated question throughout Christendom is which denomination is best for an individual.

But are relationships necessarily better when you do not allow your religious views to impact your life?

Counselling psychologist Bennetta Morrison says your religion is fundamental to how you think and behave, and so your beliefs will inevitably play a profound role in your life. After all, apart from atheists, most people embrace some form of religion.

Morrison told All Woman that you can disregard your belief system for a while, but it will resurface at some point in time.

“There will come a time when it impacts how you relate to your partner. Take for example a couple who goes out on a date. The lady wants to drink alcohol, but the man refuses to. His decision not to consume alcohol is because his belief system does not support this, and this is etched in his subconscious,” she said.

She further explained that there is your authentic self (the real you), and your pseudo self (the fake you), and if you try to ignore your beliefs, your partner would be involved with your pseudo self.

“This means that the relationship will be built on a lie. And when your authentic self appears, it will cause problems in the relationship. A perfect example is when the couple starts having children. There will be conflicts, because each parent will want to teach the children what they believe in,” she explained.

Further, she said relationships are not better off when religion does not play a role, because it is impossible for it not to play a role.

But in the case of a few readers, religion has either hurt or healed their relationships.

Consider Nicole A who was raised in church and did everything according to its teachings — religious rituals, establishing a personal relationship with God and trying to walk the straight and narrow. But like many teens and young adults, she faced peer pressure and decided to enjoy a bit of the world. Now, as far as her return to anything religious is concerned, she said, “I am still undecided.”

“When I slipped up I faced much condemnation. I felt like I was the worst person ever, and then those religious friends I had did not help. It was like a contest to say, ‘Oh, my church wouldn’t treat you that way, come here,’ and when I went, it was no different. I always tell people religious sects are small. You move to another church and in a matter of time your past moves too. So I was constantly trying to prove my worth to these people and live up to their expectations, [but] unfortunately, I always came up short,” she said.

Others who have been hurt shared their stories below:

Samantha K:

I did everything as it related to church. Praise and worship, prayer meeting, outreach, everything, and I remember after the recession things got bad, and I approached the pastor for assistance in the form of a loan. He said, ‘We cater to the spiritual needs, not that type of need.’ From then I took a step back, as here I was giving, giving, giving, but then the position… of that church was just to cater to my spiritual being. What if I was physically harmed?

Ramon R:

My family doesn’t speak to me because the girl I married was not part of their denomination. We are Pentecostals and she attended a non-denominational church. Now all my life I’ve been told that by their fruits you shall know them. My wife had all the fruits of the spirit, she is a praying woman, full of love towards everyone, leads a lifestyle of worship, respected me and loved me, but because she wasn’t Pentecostal or had natural hair, she wasn’t accepted, and they saw her as not being saved. This really hurt her and me, and I had to take some time to think things through because this was my family, but you leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife, so I did just that.

On the other hand, there are those who have experienced mostly good things by including religion in their relationships, moreso Christianity and a personal relationship with Jesus.

“I don’t like to use the word ‘religion’ because to me this is a relationship. My relationship with God truly changed my life for the better. I used to think I was good before I became a Christian, but it is totally 100 per cent better now. I am content, I am at peace, I have purpose. It doesn’t mean my life is perfect, but I have a different faith and trust in God that everything will work out for my good and it always has,” Ayesha D shared.

Added Charah W: “I am not a committed member of any church, but I am very reliant on my beliefs and faith in God. Having that belief in God and His divine control over my life gives me a sense of ease in even the most difficult situation as I believe it is my destiny and God’s will, so it will be.”

And as Richard H explained, “Religion as a set of rules that must be followed in a relationship setting also. Religion has never hurt me.”

Morrison maintained that ignoring your religious beliefs is never good, as it can break your relationship because it was built on a lie.

“The trust that was formed will diminish and the relationship might end. The best thing to do is to be open with your partner about your beliefs,” she said.