That little tattletale
LIKE reflex, every time your child yells “Mom!” you automatically know that he/she will be telling you some story that is important to him or her. And while for some parents this gets overwhelming, especially when the child has morphed into a serial tattler, clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell says that your child is likely to outgrow this tendency.
“Almost every child who is learning to talk will be a tattletale. This is a developmental stage that a child passes through as a way to feel connected to their significant others. This is a phase the child will pass through successfully when guided into what is appropriate to tell,” Dr Bell said.
She explained that while this phase is a teachable period, it is important that parents do not encourage tattling, as this can result in children being unable to resolve their problems in social situations without looking to a third party for solutions. Equally important, according to Dr Bell, is knowing that you should not always ignore a tattling child, because this can make them less inclined to tell you details of potentially dangerous situations because they feel you are unapproachable.
“It is true that we don’t want to listen to them talking about trivial disagreements with friends or siblings, but we can win if we use the opportunity to listen and guide the child and create a bond with him/her, because this could be the beginning of helping to teach trust and open communication between parent and child. While doing this, you can teach children what not to keep secret about and what is appropriate,” Dr Bell advised.
She said that you can help to curb tattling by indicating to children what warrants the intervention of an adult or what could easily be handled between or amongst themselves. For example, you should explain the difference between harm being done to someone by friends/siblings versus wanting to earn cool points with you by throwing someone else under the bus. In less urgent situations you can teach the child how to manage different scenarios; that way they will develop useful skills that will guide them in the future.
Other methods that may help to curb a tattletale include:
• If two children are close in age or can both talk through the issue, encourage them to sit and discuss it until they reach a mutual solution.
• Limit the number of times tattling is allowed in a day. Children should be taught not to exceed the number of times agreed upon, except where they or someone else is in danger.
• Teach them the damaging effects of tattling; for example, they could lose friends, or their siblings could start disliking their behaviour, which may cause them to become withdrawn. However, you must explain to the child that if it means protecting a sibling or friend, the consequences of tattling bear little significance.
• Encourage tattlers to help their friends or siblings to make the right decisions, instead of indulging so much in carrying tales that they cause their friends/siblings to make poor decisions. Remind them how proud you would be if they were to act in this responsible way.
Dr Bell also encouraged parents to seek to maintain harmony in the home. The child/children who are being told on should be made to understand that this is simply a phase, so that resentment and sibling rivalry can be reduced.
