Adult children of divorce speak out

DIVORCE is the most difficult phase of any marriage for all involved, but these can be even more troubling waters to navigate when children are in the picture. This is often a direct result of parents using their children as pawns, or completely forgetting that they no longer get to consider their feelings alone.

Clinical psychologist Dr Pearnel Bell, who has witnessed her fair share of children wounded because of divorce, says this is one of the most devastating life events that a child could deal with.

“Divorce can have quite a devastating effect on children, but it all depends on how parents handle it. If children are caught in a crossfire between parents, it can be psychologically damaging to them,” Dr Bell said.

She said this may be avoided if parents take time out to provide age-appropriate information about their decision to separate, and affirm their love for the children. This could go a long way in lessening the psychological impact.

“Parents who act antagonistically toward each other increase the likelihood that the children will be affected by the divorce. Parents who remain friendly and cordial show the children that although parents are not together, they remain cordial in the best interest of the children,” Dr Bell advised.

She said failure to strive for this could result in behavioural problems in children both at school and at home, while other children may show signs of depression and social withdrawal.

All Woman asked some grown children of divorced parents how their parents’ divorce affected them, and this is what they had to say:

Caren, 27:

I remember when my parents separated (my father was cheating), and he left the home as my mom asked him to while she worked out the legal part. It was very hard, especially for my little brother, who was about seven at the time. He would cry all the time. His work suffered because daddy was more hands-on with homework, and he fell behind in school because mommy didn’t want daddy around us. I don’t think my brother ever fully recovered. He is now living with dad and is much happier.

Jermaine, 25:

When my parents divorced, I felt like it was the end of my world. The children at school teased me and I hated having two homes and meeting step-parents. It was a lot to deal with, and my parents wanted a report on what was happening in each house. I felt like I was a human weapon and they were using me against each other and against even myself. I couldn’t wait to grow up so I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.

Angeline, 30:

When my parents divorced, I felt like it was going to be the end of the world, but it wasn’t, and they tried to protect me. I still had nightmares and I was a little withdrawn and it was painful that I didn’t have both parents, but they got me professional help. Daddy had me every other weekend and I got to spend summers and some of the December holidays with him. Also, I could request sleepovers with dad outside of this arrangement. My parents were good at co-parenting, and they both tried to make it to all my competitions and school meetings.

Divorced parents were also asked to share how, based on personal observation, they believe the divorce and/or their actions during the divorce affected their children. They noted this:

Divorced for twelve years, Sheryl, a small business owner, said that sometimes it saddens her to remember the divorce, because she and her ex-husband were too caught up in being angry at each other and about how the assets would have been shared to realise that the children were suffering.

“It was hard on them – the bad language that their father and I used in front of them, the way how we called each other names when they were with us, and even the way that we didn’t give them the attention that we should have,” Sheryl admitted.

She also said that their inability to co-parent well caused her children to choose sides and to feel neglected, because they were selfish parents. She said she has been trying to repair the relationship with her children along with her ex-husband.

Divorced dad Donovan said that divorce was the best thing that happened to him and his son, because his ex-wife was always busy, and she spent time being emotionally unkind to him and the child.

He said that now his son has found himself and is getting more involved in social activities at school and in his community. But the child struggles, he said, because he thinks his mom doesn’t really love him as she rarely attempts to see him.

Lysette, divorced for six years, said that divorce can be very traumatic for children.

“The children can get hurt very badly, but most times we think just about our hurt. My children were missing their father, they were sad, and they were angry that we didn’t have the decency to talk to them before we made the decision. Then we ended up making petty decisions regarding the kids just to spite each other, and didn’t realise we were hurting them until they said it to us.”