Broke boyfriend wants me to get pregnant
Dear Counsellor,
I have been in a relationship for six and a half years; however, I think it’s time to end it as I do not believe we are on the same page anymore. My major issue is that my partner talks to women all the time via texting and social media. When I ask about it he says I am insecure and making stuff up. Also, when I ask to go out he will say he doesn’t have any money, but when he wants to go out with his friends he finds the time and money. He also is very inconsiderate as I want to go back to school but he insists that I should get pregnant for him if I want to keep him around or if I want him to marry me. Is this man right for me? Financially I make more than he does, and I take care of most of the bills. What do you think I should do?
Let me start at the end of your letter first. So Mr Man is saying that if you want to keep him around or want him to marry you, you must have a child for him. He is in fact issuing a threat that will certainly determine the future of the relationship. Any such ultimatum is bad for a relationship. The next thing he will tell you is that if you don’t have a boy he may walk away from the relationship.
You indicated that you want to go back to school but getting pregnant at this time would derail your educational goals. It appears that your partner is on the “Start the family” plan whereas you are on the “Back to school” plan. Although both plans can converge, it requires the synergy of both partners to make it work. It cannot be that one is forced to have a child. It should be a decision that both partners agree on so that there is no resentment surrounding the child.
It is quite disturbing that your partner is putting undue pressure on you which is indicating that he is being quite selfish and intimidatory. Is he suggesting that you both have been together for years and it is time for the relationship to bear fruit? Is it that you had the opportunity to go to school earlier, but you never did?
You must decide if the ultimatum issued is reasonable and if you will yield to his demands or call his bluff and see if he will follow through. If he walks away if you decide not to have a child at this time, then you may have to question his loyalty over the years. In other words, suppose for argument’s sake you are not able to produce a child. Would he walk away and not marry you? What message is that sending? Think on these things.
Now to the first part of the letter. Your partner is stating that you are insecure because you are uncomfortable with his interacting with other women via social media. I guess you know, and he is in denial that several things can happen in cyberspace including online sexual activities. If he is engaging in any such activities and spending an inordinate amount of time connecting with these women, then you have all right to question his online behaviour. If he prefers to spend more time with these ladies than taking you out and interacting with you, then again, another message is being sent to you. One such is taking you for granted and not considering your feelings.
As you contemplate your future in this relationship, pay strict attention to the verbal and non-verbal messages you are receiving. Take care.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org . Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/ .
