A painful end
Dear Counsellor,
I had a relationship with a young man which was going fine for a while. I was a virgin and after several months dating I felt comfortable with him and we had sex. It was not a pleasant experience for me, but I accepted it and moved on. My problems began shortly after. We used to communicate often over the phone because it was a long-distance relationship. He began making excuses about why we were not communicating often. Then one day the communication just stopped. When I tried to reach out to him he said he had issues with his phone. I began to have a strong feeling the relationship was over; however, I was still willing to try. I went to visit family in the area where he worked, and he totally ignored me. I did not want everybody to know our problems so I went home. Anyway, the day after I decided to confront him so I could move on. He finally told me that he could not bother with a long-distance relationship. He said that he had feelings for me, but the distance was a problem. Ever since summer I have been struggling to get over him. I am feeling so upset with myself and still a part of me wants him. I thought because of the distance I would not feel this way, but I do feel deeply hurt. What can I do to get over him and the situation? I really need peace so I can move on with my life. I really need some advice because I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. It is just painful for me.
Long-distance relationships do have challenges that only the strong survive. Communication is imperative to any relationship but more so where the partners are miles apart and only have technology at their disposal to keep them connected. In some instances one or both partners drift apart as they become overwhelmed with the extra hard work required to maintain the emotional link.
In your situation it appears your partner has lost interest or is being distracted by someone who is physically closer in proximity with whom he can interact daily with no physical barriers between them.
So after much prodding and probing, Mr Mention declared that the long-distance relationship was a problem for him and decided to walk away. One can understand your hurt as you feel that he deliberately made his exit soon after you gave him permission to take your virginity. Your reading of the situation could be right as it is not uncommon for some men to pursue women with one goal in mind and as soon as they accomplish the objective they leave, leaving the woman feeling used and betrayed.
No doubt you were hoping for the best and that the relationship would have lasted, but unfortunately this was not the case. You should not get into the self-blaming mode and become depressed over the situation. You can’t turn back the hands of time and restore your virginity, so you need to accept the reality of the situation and not be preoccupied with the past event that you can’t erase.
Getting over him will take time so allow yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. Take the time to establish rules of engagement for your next relationship and if possible, avoid another long-distance relationship that may wake up the bad memories of the past.
Enjoy your single life — go out with friends and family members. Do not sit at home in a corner beating up on yourself and blaming yourself for falling for Mr Man’s sinister plan. Wish him all the best and move on with your life.
It is important that you do not give him free access to your body again unless the relationship is restored and there is a level of commitment from him regarding the future of the relationship. Take care.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com or powellw@seekingshalom.org. Check out his work on www.seekingshalom.org and his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
