My husband is a serial cheater

Dear Counsellor,

I have one of the most heart-wrenching stories ever, in the history of Jamaica.

I say this because my husband constantly cheats, even though I have given him innumerable chances. The reason I say heart-wrenching is because he cheats a lot — there are a lot of other women and a list of different scenarios; I have been through every lie and every abuse a woman could ever go through.

To cut a long story short, my husband had an affair with another woman which produced a child. Did I mention we have kids together? Now this is a big cause for divorce, but I have tried to forgive him. However, he constantly cheats and pretty much does not care.

This woman posts pictures of both of them on websites and social media, and even when I speak to him about it he claims there is nothing he can do about it. They also meet every now and again at hotels, where they spend time with each other. I know this because of a recent text I saw in his phone.

He denies everything when he is caught. I am tired of the lying and cheating, and he claims he wants to have nothing to do with the child or the mother.

I need your advice. I am a Christian; I have prayed about it, but I am not sure if I should continue in this marriage.

I am confused and hurt. I know when other women read this they are going to say all kinds of things about me, but when you are in a situation, even if you have set a certain standard, it’s easier said than done. Oh, I would have left a long time ago.

When there are children involved that aren’t babies, it’s not so easy. Yes we have to love ourselves first, but we have to also love our children as well. When such a situation damages a child, it damages them for a lifetime.

You, no doubt, have been through deep emotional hurt, which your husband has caused, and it appears that he does not care about how much pain he has caused you.

It’s one thing to be unfaithful in the marriage, but to be posing on social media with another woman is the heights of disrespect. Obviously there are no boundaries between himself and the other woman, and so she feels she has the authority to post pictures of the both of them online.

What is he telling you indirectly when he says there is nothing he can do about it? Does he wish to do anything about it? Maybe not.

Surely, if your husband respected you and the marriage he would not have been in a relationship with the other woman and would have forbidden her from posting pictures of the two of them, suggesting that they are intimately involved. But evidently, the other woman believes that, whereas you have the ring, she has the man and now she has elevated her status from lover to babymother. Soon she will put pressure on your husband to walk away from the marriage and demand that he be a residential dad.

It’s really disturbing how some women will do their best to wreck a marriage and a family for their own selfish means, oblivious to the mental anguish they put another woman through. This is even more distressing when children are involved.

The other woman cannot accept all the blame, because if your husband was not making himself available she would not have taken advantage of the situation.

You are correct, many female readers would direct you to walk away from this dysfunctional relationship, but as they say, “She who feels it knows it”; and taking your exit would be difficult considering the negative impact it would have on the children.

You did not mention the ages of the children, but regardless, sooner or later they will experience the tension between mommy and daddy and will eventually act out. The point is, in as much as you want to maintain some semblance of structure in the family unit, due to the fragile state of the family unit, the structure cannot hold up for very long before it falls apart.

You really need both partners in a relationship and/or parents in a family to work together, harmoniously, to keep the structure intact.

Having said that, you have to make some decisions that will benefit you and the children as your husband has made his decision by bringing another child into the world. If, however, he is serious about saving what’s left of his marriage, he must be honest with you and do what is required to restore the marriage.

The first thing he must do is terminate the relationship with the other woman, establish boundaries and maintain a co-parenting association with the mother of his child.

To help you deal with this painful situation, counselling intervention is recommended. And if you both are going to work on the marriage, then do pursue marriage counselling.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/ .