Woman finds love note to her man… from another woman

Dear Counsellor,

I need your help, please. I think my relationship is going downhill.

My boyfriend and I have been going through a phase for the past two months. It first started when I was by his apartment and I found a love note of a woman naming 100 reason why she loves him. I confronted him about it; his reply: “Really?” I then left for work. The same day I came home I didn’t say anything to him but “Good night”, to which he responded. I went to shower, then bed.

In the morning I woke up, got dressed for work, and still nothing from him. I don’t know if I am wrong, but I think it’s his duty to come to me and explain to me what that note was about. The third morning I woke him up and said, “So you are going to act like nothing happened?” His reply was he didn’t want to say anything, he just wanted me gone and didn’t want to be around anyone for a while.

I gave him three weeks of space — no contact from either of us.

I decided to visit him at his workplace to find out if we have a relationship or not? He said he’s not mad at me for what I had done (I was mad and damaged his place before I left), and that he understands that I am hurt. He explained how much he loves me, that we need to take it really slow and not to jump back into the relationship so quickly.

One week later I was upset about a personal matter, and I called him to talk. He said he was getting dressed to go out. I asked him where he was going, and he said I can’t ask him that. I exploded. I said: “You are rude to say that to me,” and cursed him out.

He didn’t reply to me. It has been eight days and we have not spoken to each other since.

I need your help. What should I do?

It appears that the first order of business is ascertaining what is the true status of the relationship. Are you both in a committed relationship or not? Is Mr Mention ready for an exclusive relationship with you?

These questions would have to be addressed squarely before entertaining talks about going forward. You must both be on the same page and want the same things.

It can’t be that you want this relationship more that the gentleman does.

So, what’s the story about the ‘100 reasons love note’? Has he responded to your inquiry in that regard? Surely this requires some explanation. Would he not expect you to explain such a love note if he stumbled upon a similar one in your possession?

Calling a timeout is always a good thing, but it can’t be indefinite. The person calling the timeout would need to inform the other partner how much time will be required to process whatever issue is of concern to one or both partners.

From all indications, Mr Mention believed you both should recalibrate the relationship and go at a slower pace. In other words, he is still uncertain if he wants to go forward in the relationship as there are some things he is not comfortable with and wants to give himself some time before he fully commits.

You mentioned damaging his place and cursing him. Could your angry outburst be something he is uncomfortable with? Is that a turn-off? If this is your way of expressing your feelings of hurt, then you certainly need to find more appropriate anger management techniques.

Invite your partner to sit with you and both of you indicate what you expect of each other and the relationship. The discussion must be honest with no aggression and emotional outbursts. You may decide that you both are not able to meet each other’s expectations and so walk away, or the decision could be to work out the points of conflict and move on together.

Whatever the outcome, there must be a level of respect and dignity that must be maintained.

At the end of the day, personal happiness must be paramount.

Take care.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com . Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/ .