No romance, no spice
COUNSELLOR, My wife and I have been married eight years, and we have two children. Before the children everything was spicy and regular, but nowadays my wife doesn’t, or barely wants me near her. She says she’s tired and overstimulated, even though most evenings when I come home she is on Tik Tok idling, while I have to get the kids ready for bed, help with homework, and make dinner. I am saying that to say that we both work, so the excuse about her doing domestic chores alone or being overwhelmed with childcare are just excuses. I am really frustrated, as this is not what I signed up for. Everytime I remind her of how good things were a few years ago, she takes offence and says I’m belittling her. How do I save this marriage, and make romance less of a chore for her?
Your wife isn’t being as intimately available and accommodating to you as before and it is frustrating you. Understood. Congrats though, for being so engaged with the care for your family. But what you’ve expressed is a bit common. Intimacy dwindles quickly if allowed. For this reason, we’re hosting our April 25th marriage seminar, where we will delve into those challenges that cause this kind of situation. We’ll do what we can to give you the necessary tools. Your frustration should not be overlooked. Any husband who is sexually frustrated, or wife who is romantically frustrated, should get help. Don’t ignore it!
Amazing marriages happen when couples: 1) Prioritise each other 2) Pray together 3) Play together 4) Plan together. Many couples could have happier, healthier homes, if they’d make minor adjustments to their routines. Small changes could give massive returns while tension in marriage can literally make you physically sick. And depression, frustration or pent-up hurt can cause an otherwise well-meaning spouse to lose proper judgement.
The Bible says, “A husband should fulfil his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. Do not deprive each other… so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1Corinthians 7:3-5 NET). If couples purposefully work to keep being sensitive to each other’s needs and meeting those needs, they’re almost guaranteed to live “happily ever after”. Your situation isn’t irredeemable.
My advice:
Do personal reflection: Is there anything that has changed about you? Are you still being romantic, creative, thoughtful? Do a quick assessment of your “game” and see if you’ve started to take things for granted. If you need to make some adjustments, be disciplined and go for it.
Strengthen your individuality: Adopt the mindset that you can be happy and fulfilled despite the challenges. (It will give you confidence that is attractive.) It doesn’t mean accepting the situation, but it will give you some peace and contentment, despite the situation.
Seek out activities that are entertaining and engaging: Lean on your support network of friends and relatives for healthy “distractions”. (However, don’t share too much about home challenges.) Also, plan exciting family outings and fun family activities.
Schedule a counselling session: A counselling session can allow your wife the setting to share what she may be feeling, and vice versa. It could also help with accountability toward making those necessary adjustments.
Every fire will need fuel! A hot, passionate, romantic relationship requires good, sustained fuel for that fire. I pray that you both can rekindle your passion and sustain the flow of fuel to flame your intimacy.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
