Don’t throw that whole man away
WOMEN have gotten a bad rap over the years for bringing chaos into a man’s life after he has moved on from them, using the child or children whom they share as their weapon of choice. Not wanting to cause ‘babymama drama’, some women opt to raise their children on their own without either financial or emotional support from the fathers — a choice for which they may be labelled as selfish or petty.
But these women know, however, that oftentimes it is the man who brings the drama into their lives, especially when a new man comes into the picture. A conundrum is then before the woman if she is to move on and have healthy relationships, while allowing her ex to have access to his child or children.
Relationship coach and author TB Fuller says that a few decades ago the idea of baby daddy drama was unheard of, because not a lot of black men wanted to be actively involved in their children’s lives after separating from the mothers.
“However, in recent years, things have switched up. Men are now demanding to be a part of their children’s lives in more ways than monetary support,” she pointed out. “What is conflicting is that sometimes a man will try to sleep with his babymother and still maintain his new flame, or he becomes jealous when she moves on and sets out to make her miserable. This is inevitably a recipe for drama.”
Fuller gives these tips to women who want to keep the drama out of their lives, but still want to allow their exes to be in their children’s lives.
Do not withhold his child from him
“When a man wants to be a part of his child’s life, do not stop him,” the coach ordered. “There are far too many deadbeat dads walking around for you to try and spite one who wants to play his part. Sometimes the ‘baby daddy drama’ is a result of the childish behaviour from drama queen moms. If you are collecting child support and not taking care of the child, or are not allowing the father to spend time with his child, you are creating the perfect storm. You may find yourself in court with your baby daddy on the opposing end. Save yourself the drama, and play fair.”
Set ground rules and stick to them
Fuller said that in co-parenting relationships, ground rules are necessary for the well-being of the child you share together.
“This new experience may take some swallowing of pride. Nevertheless, it is important for fostering a safe and nurturing atmosphere,” she explained. “Examples of ground rules are: don’t speak ill of me in front of our child; don’t show up unannounced at my home unless it’s a real emergency; don’t leave our child with any stranger; don’t question our child about my partner; don’t keep our child longer than the agreed upon time, unless it is communicated to me; don’t have your woman spanking our child; don’t make empty promises to our child; and do not give our child any false hope about us getting back together.”
Do not undermine his contribution
“It can be rather easy for a woman to find a man that outshines her child’s father in her eyes,” Fuller admitted. “If we make comparisons to make him look bad, however, it can be damaging, and cause unnecessary tension and drama in the co-parenting relationship.”
She recommended that therefore, if the child’s father does well, you should let him know that you appreciate his efforts, and that you value his presence.
“Just don’t get flirtatious with the gesture,” she warned.
Don’t fall for sweet talk
“Men understand that women are emotional beings, who are often susceptible to sweet nothings. Don’t get caught in the web of his words by permitting him a space in your bed,” she cautioned.
The counsellor noted that it can be difficult keeping an emotional distance, especially since he is likely to know what you like and dislike, so he knows just how to get into your head.
“But if it was such a great and amazing relationship, he wouldn’t be an ex,” she chided. “Don’t go cooking his food or washing his clothes. He is not your man anymore — he is your child’s father. Let the other woman meet his needs.”
