Trickster or true love?

DEAR COUNSELLOR,

I recently met this guy. He works at another branch of the company I work for. He said he saw me at the company’s family sports day and fell in love with me at first sight. I am not sure how I feel about him, but he is adamant that we are meant to be together.

How can I know that he is the one? How will I know if the person really likes me and is not trying to play me? Men are very tricky out there.

Please help me determine the true answers.

There have been instances where people have met each other and there has been an instant connection, while for others it would take quite some time for the love sparks to ignite. In the former it is usually both partners who feel the magnetic pull.

In your case, it appears that the gentleman alone experienced the intense attraction, which is quite telling. You, on the other hand, are yet to feel the magic as you are somewhat unmoved by his emotional utterances.

Let’s examine what are the likely reasons you may be reluctant to go with the flow. As you mentioned, it is a fact that some men do tell women what they like to hear in order to get what they want. Have you ever heard the argument that some men use love talk to get sex while some women offer sex to get love? There is some element of truth in the statement. Could your hesitancy to believe this guy be hinged on this reality? You mentioned that you are mindful of being played, hence your tentativeness.

Is this a once bitten twice shy moment for you? Were you ever up this street before where you committed fully to someone and the person left you stranded at the end of the road? Certainly, trusting someone else with your heart is going to be hard to do.

But what if this guy is genuine and not a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Would it be fair to punish him for the offence of others?

So how do you know he is the real deal? As you are no doubt doing, keep your eyes and ears open and do your homework. Use your detective skills and check him out. Check his online presence and talk with people who know him. He is an employee at the same company you work for so it should not be difficult to do an unofficial background check on him at the branch to which he is attached.

You may want to go out on a few dates to see how he conducts himself in social settings. He no doubt will be on his best behaviour, but if you are keen you will recognise the real deal from the acting performance.

Don’t be shy to pose pertinent questions to him such as, “Are you presently in a committed relationship?” if not, “When did your last relationship end?”

What you don’t want is someone who is committed to someone else or is on the rebound. Both scenarios can be quite problematic. If you proceed then you must do so cautiously.

Surely, he can lie to you and not disclose the truth about his present and past life, but your background checks will reveal if you are dealing with someone who is honest or dishonest.

So give him an opportunity to prove himself but continue to be vigilant and as soon as you are satisfied that there is consistency between what he says and does and he checks out from your own investigative work, then you may want to gradually reduce the tension on your boundary lines.

Take it slow and let things evolve organically. Just make sure your head rules your heart and don’t be overwhelmed by the emotional charge that might be emitted from Mr Mention. He is only doing his job the way he knows best. Your job is to protect your heart and ensure your personal happiness.

Take care and all the best.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.