An insecure boyfriend
Dear Counsellor,
I am 25 and I’ve been going out with this guy for three months now. He is 30. I love him a whole lot and he loves me too. He told me so, and I trust and believe what he says. The problem is, he thinks I’m cheating on him and I’m not. He won’t believe me though. Every time I talk to him, he thinks I was just on the phone with some other guy. I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s getting me really distressed. Please advise.
It sounds like your guy has some insecurity issues going on and he is projecting on you. Could it be that in his last relationship his partner cheated on him and so he is overly cautious? Could it be that he himself is being unfaithful and so believes you are doing the same?
It is always a good idea to have a conversation with someone you intend to spend some time with, as like you, the person comes with unresolved issues from the last relationship that may negatively impact the current relationship.
It must be frustrating trying to convince your boyfriend that you are being faithful to him but you must keep trying. The moment you slip up is opening the door for him to justify his suspicions. People like your guy require a high degree of openness and transparency. It is like your life will be akin to an open book where he can have free access.
The cellphone is a device that has caused much conflict in relationships. It is the medium by which much information is stored and retrieved. You have numerous instances where couples do investigative work and violate the other person’s privacy by searching their cellphones. Sometimes the information found is incriminating, and other times there is nothing to substantiate the suspicion.
So you may want to give Mr Mention full access to your phone to satisfy his curiosity. But even if you do that he may accuse you of deleting certain information beforehand. It’s a real catch-22 situation — damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Have a face-to-face conversation with your gentleman and share your distress with him, and let him know that faithfulness in the relationship is paramount. It is difficult for a relationship to grow and develop when doubt and scepticism are the foundational base. He will have to resolve any uncertainties coming into the relationship, as failure to do so will result in perennial conflict.
By the way, be careful that this guy doesn’t turn you into a victim of emotional abuse by imposing certain limitations and restrictions on your movements. Reject any attempt on his part to have you shun all male friends and associates.
If he suffers from any insecurities, he needs to address them through counselling and desist from making your life miserable. If he refuses to do so then this is a red flag that you cannot ignore.
The relationship is in its infancy stage so now is the time to either fix, or flee the relationship. Remember, your personal happiness is paramount. Don’t settle for less.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
