My married lover’s wife is pregnant
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I happen to have a friend who is married, and we became fond of each other. From the very start he told me it was an arranged marriage and there was not much happiness and that he needed a friend to chill out with. As time went on we both fell in love with each other.
He had promised that he was going to arrange to leave his wife and child and move in with me. But just recently I saw a Facebook post and his wife is four to five months pregnant. All along we have been meeting but he didn’t tell me that she was pregnant. I expected him to at least give me an explanation and tell me that probably it happened but he still wants us to be together, but he told me to ignore it and I thought I would be strong to ignore it, but I can’t.
I have poured out my heart to him and showed him that I was hurt. He just went quiet and said nothing. I don’t want to say more words since I said a lot and he said nothing at all.
I want to wait and see if he can come out and say something, but it’s all in vain and I am just hurting every day. I don’t know what to do but all I know is my days are now so terrible and sad.
I need your help.
The truth is, when you attach yourself to someone who is already in a committed relationship you must be prepared to assume the secondary position and take all the challenges that come with the status.
So Mr Man told you that he is in an arranged, unhappy marriage and will be leaving his wife and moving in with you. This is one of the oldest con lines in the book that some married men use to keep the other woman believing that there is hope for her.
The man told you he wanted someone to chill out with but what he meant was that he would like a side chick to address his sexual needs that may not be sufficiently addressed at home. You obviously interpreted the term ‘chilling’ to mean he wanted a relationship. That was furthest from his mind. This was confirmed with the revelation from his Facebook page where you discovered that his wife is expecting their second child.
Telling you to ignore such a telling occurrence is disregarding your feelings. Is that how you treat someone you care about? Do you deserve to be treated in such a callous and cold way? Depending on your answers you will know what action you need to take to protect your heart.
It is obvious that you have invested time and effort in this man and the relationship, but you must determine if you are getting as much as you are giving. It is senseless to be in a relationship in which there is no reciprocity. It cannot be about the happiness of the other person and little or no benefit coming to you. You can decide to wait if you wish, but like Bob Marley you just might wait in vain for Mr Mention’s love.
You are correct, the longer you stay in this unfulfilling relationship it’s the stronger your emotional pain and hurt will become.
Take some time to evaluate the relationship from a rational perspective. Try and isolate your feelings and emotions and apply some realistic thinking to the process. Sometimes we must listen and respond to the head and not the heart.
Take care and all the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
