Dilemma juggling two guys
Dear Counsellor,
I have been with this guy for almost two years now. For almost the whole time we have been together I have been cheating on him with my babyfather who I broke up with for being unfaithful to me.
I started the relationship with my boyfriend knowing that I wasn’t quite over my ex. But he was available at the time and I was hoping with time I would have got over the father of my child and grown to fall in love with my boyfriend.
This guy loves me and treats me well. The problem is, I just can’t get over my ex. It’s like he has a hold on me and I can’t seem to shake it. I’m not cheating for love; I’m cheating for sex.
Should I tell my boyfriend the truth and hurt him? Should I go back to my ex? I am confused.
What you have described is a typical case of a rebound relationship. After a break up there should be some time to grieve the loss, which includes processing the feelings and thoughts that arise from the separation. If emotions are not allowed to heal over time, using a Band-aid fix will only make matters worse.
In your situation there is obviously no closure on the termination of the relationship with the father of your child. So upon exiting the former relationship the door was still open and so you re-entered. However, in your emotionally fragile state you were most vulnerable and latched on to someone who was substituting for your ex. Fortunately or unfortunately this new guy happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.
Because there was some unfinished business with your ex-partner you found yourself voluntarily gravitating towards him to take care of matters sexually. So you now find yourself in the same position as the other women he is taking care of as well.
You said you walked away from the former relationship because the father of your child was cheating on you. In other words, more than likely he was having sex with other women while being with you. This incensed you and you left. Now look in the mirror and what do you see? Are you any different from your ex-partner? What should your current partner do if he discovers your unfaithfulness?
Interestingly, you indicate that you cheat because of sex and not love, which suggests that you are getting good loving from your current partner and good sex from your former partner. Soon you must make a decision as to which of the two you really want and how you are going to get both from one individual. Sexual techniques can be learned, whereas knowing how to love and care for someone should come naturally.
You may want to sit with your boyfriend and discuss with him in a calm and non-threatening manner his deficiencies in the lovemaking department and how he can improve same. Don’t be shy to share and teach him techniques that work best for you.
If, however, you feel that there is no hope in this regard and your ex-partner is the only one who knows how to satisfy you sexually given the history you both share, then you have to decide where your priority lies and do what will make you happy.
Bear in mind though, if you decide to return to your ex-partner it will be business as usual, meaning that he will still continue his wandering ways and probably cause not only emotional hurt but physical harm as well. Be sure, also, to protect yourself from contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
Think carefully and do a pros and cons assessment of both relationships before you act. All the best.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to agapemft@gmail.com. Check his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.
