Bedroom business is nobody’s business but your own

Call it a good marriage –

For no one ever questioned

Her warmth, his masculinity,

Their interlocking views…

Though few would still subscribe

To the monogamic axiom

That strife below the hip bones

Need not estrange the heart,

Call it a good marriage

They never fought in public…

Thus, the hazards of their love bed

Were none of our damned business

– Robert Graves

The past weekend was abuzz with talks of Will and Jada Smith’s “entanglement”, with everyone having a say about this unusual partnership between the two. I love the Red Table Talk — the honesty, vulnerability, and the hope of healing that the conversations offer.

On Friday, July 10, Jada boldly turned the table on herself in a conversation with husband Will Smith playing host admitting she had an entanglement with singer/songwriter August Alsina.

Sensationalism aside, Jada and Will clearly have a strong partnership. They are open, supportive, and kind to each other. Their love for each other is unconditional, Jada shared.

The ensuing conversations revealed our individual biases and individual value systems that we sometimes unwittingly thrust on others. As Robert Graves says in the poem above — people’s relationships are “none of our damned business”. Their business, however, offers an opportunity to reflect on our own relationships, what makes them work, and how we define the “perfect” relationship by the standards of others.

When it comes to relationships, I believe it is to each his own, whatever works for you. Some couples enjoy a polyamorous arrangement. Other couples hide behind the monogamous norm and become “entangled” with different partners outside of the agreements of their union, causing disappointment and hurt.

Some unions recover from these infidelities, while others fall apart. Despite disappointments, we find time to heal and rediscover love because relationships mean so much to us.

I have had some beautiful relationships. I have also had unsatisfying, unfulfilled ones that served only to deplete my energy.

How do we know what relationship is right for us? Who do we choose to share our space with?

One of my female friends had this to say, “I know what I want based on the horrible decisions I have made in the past. I want something that is meaningful, uplifting to my spirit, supportive. I like decency and integrity. I want a partner that is collaborative and there to bear witness to my life and me to his.”

Another friend shared, “Right now, I want someone who can support me. Someone I can fall into. Someone who is available emotionally and physically. I want easy. It is where you are at and what you want. It is what you are desirous of at the time.”

A gentleman I met in the nail salon also shared that he wants an independent woman who is a good companion. Someone who is caring, adventurous, and strong.

For me, it is simple.

I like masculine energy and so manliness is important to me. He must have a strong value system — family, community, dependability, financial freedom, and honesty. He must be intentional and pour only in what is important to him. He must be fulfilled and being around him must be fulfilling. He must be grounded, stable, and committed to living his life’s purpose. I should be able to lean on, learn from, and grow with him.

We define relationships by virtue of our own experiences and what is important to us. As we get older and more comfortable with ourselves, relationships may take on different colours. We become less concerned with the opinions of others and develop an appreciation for trusting our own gut.

Will and Jada seem happy. They insist that their marriage is intact. Are you happy?

That is all that matters.

Coleen Antoinette is a lover of culture and people. She is currently the director of marketing communications at the Edna Manley College of the Visual and Performing Arts. Share your experiences with her at coleenantoinette@gmail.com.