Lessons we will not pass on to our children

MANY people will tell you that some of the most treasured valuables that they inherited were from their parents, and these are passed on either directly and indirectly. Values like the fundamentals of child-rearing are adopted as gospel— it’s the end-all and be-all of parenting, and many think it’s necessary to follow these to a T. Other people, though, have said that while they acknowledge that their parents may have meant well, they will not be perpetuating a similar cycle of parenting with their own children.

Where exactly do these parents think that their parents went wrong, and what specific lessons taught by their parents will die with them? A few people share below.

Tamieka, 34, physiotherapist:

They didn’t directly teach me, but whenever there were disagreements in our family they would involve us (children) in the sense that we couldn’t talk with our aunts or uncles or whoever they fell out with. It was further extended to our cousins and I strongly believe that this aspect of the way that we were parented is flawed. I will ensure that my children understand that my disagreement is not theirs, and absence of communication between me and a family member or even friend does not involve them and as such they should continue their relationships with these individuals, unless of course, we believe that they could be potentially dangerous.

Davina, 29, business owner:

My parents were exceptional; they are kind people, supportive and loving. However, I will leave one thing out of the legacy I pass on to my children —I will not teach my children that beating a child is necessary. I don’t think that it is necessary and especially not how many Jamaican parents do it. They will use anything and hit you, I remember my mother throwing her pumps at me once and it almost hit me in the eye and even with this close call, she carried on. I don’t want my child to feel like physical or even verbal violence is okay or has a place in the house.

Adriana, 43, computer engineer:

My parents encouraged a type of aggressive behaviour in me. They cheered me on when I was disrespectful to people and repeated certain things that no child should have been caught dead saying. They would tell people that “she can manage herself” and said things like, “If you ever make Kerry (pet name) cuss you, no clothes nuh lef pan your body, or “she prime man” — like a celebration of my bad behaviour and rotten mouth. It took me realising that the words were hurtful to people to stop. With my children, I am teaching empathy, respect for others, respect for self, compassion, learning to use respectful language — this way they won’t hurt others or themselves.

Shaneil, 32, nurse:

My parents, my mother more than my father, taught me that not all lies, but little white lies, were okay. There were always little white lies but I don’t think God has separate categories for lies. There were small things like telling the landlord they were not home, telling grandma I came first or that I needed money for books and supplies, telling the taxi man that I lost my fare or it fell out in the car — those kinds of things. Thinking back it always made me uncomfortable, and as I got older and understood more it made me feel terrible about myself. My situation is different from theirs, thankfully, but I can’t see how I could ever ask my children to lie… and repeatedly.

Michelle, 29, administrative assistant:

I will never force my children to do things like to finish their dinner, or talk to people whom they seem to be uncomfortable being around or with. My parents say that it is always important to complete everything — my food on the table (because I was blessed to have food) and I think that it’s a part of the reason why I am obese — I don’t know when I’m full. I remember having to throw up sometimes after eating because I was so uncomfortable. Both my children are picky eaters and while I want to ensure they get all the nutrients, I try to cater to them and I make sure I do small portions of the food groups. They also forced me to stay with people who constantly abused me (even sexually) and they never knew because they would always say I didn’t want to stay because I couldn’t have my way. They never thought something was wrong and I was too scared to talk.