The cougar effect

N has been a toy boy for six years.

A toy boy is a term used to describe young men who are in intimate relationships with much older women. Despite our culture of unbridled hedonism, the women in these relationships are all painted with the stereotypical brush of ‘cradle robbers’, cougars, or likened to the lead actress in How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

But, for N, 23, the affinity for older women is just his preference and “how he’s always been”.

For many it comes as a surprise as his demeanour screams sexy and is the perfect fit for the stereotypical mould of tall, dark, and handsome.

His strides exude confidence and he stalks through a room as if he owns it. And his words, conversations are friendly, warm, welcoming, and will put anyone at ease. He can get any female within his age group, but it’s the older women who he says will pause, take note of him, and drop direct hints his way.

In a sit-down interview with All Woman, N shared that his first encounter with an older woman happened when he was just 17 years old. She was 63.

“She didn’t appear that old,” he said. “She saw me, approached me, and said, ‘Has anyone told you, you are a handsome guy?’ “

At the time, N said he was going through a very rough situation and the warmth of a stranger and nurturing nature of the woman pulled him in. In the moment he confided in her and they exchanged numbers and things escalated.

What would follow, according to N, entailed lots of steamy sex, which he said had a certain je ne sais quoi, unlike the other bland bedroom romps he had with girls his age.

He said: “She wasn’t from here…we connected on a different level and she dazzled things my way. She told me about an apartment she owned and showed me it and said I could stay there, and at first I contemplated it and was hesitant, but my friends boost me up and I gave in.”

N said what followed included offers he couldn’t resist, his most memorable being a tryst after which his mature lover asked him to tell her what he would love for her to do for him.

His requests included a house, car, money, and job. While she did not make good on any of those requests, he had free access to her apartment while she was away.

He admits that, though he went for the benefits, he ended up falling for her, until he found out a lot of what she told him were lies, and things fell apart.

The question on all our minds though is: What is it about older women?

“Older women provide a sense of maturity to the relationship that the younger man may lack in his life, both from a psychological and emotional perspective,” couples relationship educator Dr Wayne Powell said. “Also, older women may be more experienced sexually and can offer the younger man a more fulfilling sexual experience.”

N concurs saying, “Older women are easier to deal with, whereas younger women are naive. Some younger women also don’t know how to treat a man.”

He added: “Older women yearn for younger men and some young men are more experienced than the older men.”

Of course, N feels he is more skilled than older men when it comes on to romance.

He said, “I am emotionally intelligent and I am all that when it comes on to treating women. Women teach me how to treat them, and it’s up to you if you want to learn. However, what works for one person doesn’t work for all.”

On the contrary, N says he has started drifting towards younger girls, but with a caveat — no younger than 20 years old, but no ceiling as to an older age.

“If she’s 80 and we click, why not?” he said. “I, however, do like younger girls and have had experiences with them.”

So why not sick with that?

For N, the naiveté of some young girls’ inability to honour their word is a turn off.

“I hate commitment and titles. I also hate clingy behaviour, especially, after I have made it clear it’s strictly sex. But don’t get me wrong. There are olde women and young girls that I set out to pursue and end up being really good friends with.”

Further, Dr Powell said the choice of dating or marrying down is one that requires much thought as it has implications not just for the present, such as social stigma and future health issues, but future realities like ageing and body breakdown.