Wife wants to take a lover
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I’m in a loveless, sexless marriage and I’m wondering when it’s ever OK to step out. My husband and I sleep in different rooms and haven’t been intimate in over a year. He just has no interest in me like that, but we get along fine otherwise. We’re both in our 30s. Would it be sinful for me to take on a lover?
A loveless and sexless marriage is a difficult situation indeed. It should be known that a sexless marriage isn’t only a marriage situation where there is no sex happening, but when there is little sexual intimacy happening, it is also classified as a sexless marriage. I tell couples two times per week is actually a healthy standard. You mentioned “sin” — there is actually sin of omission and sin of commission regarding sex. This means sex can be wrong when you do it in wrong situations, and wrong when you don’t do it in right situations.
The Bible says that a spouse must not “defraud” their partner of sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:5). It is considered a sin, and you’re cheating your spouse of what the Bible also says is “due benevolence” (1 Corinthians 7:3). Sexual intimacy keeps the partners physically and emotionally close. Some persons will comment that sex isn’t everything, and they are correct. It isn’t everything, but it is a very big thing. It is often a very big issue in the eyes of a partner (for emotional attachment and the satisfaction of their sexual needs), and also the government (consummation, etc), and for those of faith, God (for oneness of the two parties).
So is it then alright to step out and to find another lover? No, it is not! It would be imprudent to take on a lover, especially by biblical standards. If a marriage isn’t working, close that chapter before looking to start a new thing. But every effort must be made to revitalise before rejecting.
My advice:
Give it another shot. Before a decision is made to end a marriage you must be 100 per cent certain that you have given your all to make it work. Sometimes there are little things being overlooked that can make huge differences to the situation once they’re realised. Remember also that every fire dies without its fuel — every romantic fire dies without purposeful effort to keep it burning.
Pursue happiness still. You don’t have to wither away inside because of the situation. Go have fun (not sexual) with friends. Tour and explore — it’s amazing how many Jamaicans don’t know Jamaica. Go treat yourself to treats for yourself; if your spouse wants to join you at times, don’t stop him. Until your breakthrough comes, be the instigator of love, kindness and respect, despite how difficult it may be.
See a counsellor. A good counsellor can help you both analyse the situation to find out why this divide exists. Something brought you two together initially and that valuable thing needs to come to the fore again. A good counsellor should help you both find the flaws and find any possible fixes. Dr Carla Dunbar’s monthly free sessions entitled “Grow Your Marriage” (GYM) may be helpful also. Google her to make contact.
Watch the video. I recommend you both take the time to watch the YouTube video presentation “A Tale of Two Brains” by Mark Gungor. The presentation helps couples understand their different needs, stress management styles, etc. This is a useful tool that I often recommend. Gungor will also be in Jamaica in the near future to do this presentation. Until then, take the time to watch the free videos.
Every marriage isn’t salvageable, but many failing ones are. It is however a privilege to have someone decent to work through difficulties with. It is good that you both get along, it makes trying to work things out easier.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
