Hubby caught wife cheating, now what?
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I have evidence that my wife is cheating but having collected the evidence, I don’t know how to approach her. I saw some things on her phone, and also tracked her car to certain places, to confirm that she is meeting another guy. I have a lot of information about the guy. However, I’m afraid to confront her because I don’t know what she will say, or what will be the impact on our relationship. We have two kids and really and truly, I don’t want our marriage to end, and I don’t want to hear from her what I did to make her stray. At the same time, I can’t get what I read on her phone off my mind. What do you suggest?
I commend you for seeming calm and collected in this situation. It is also admirable that you want to salvage your relationship despite the evidence you allude to. Contrary to what some people may think, your clear thinking and level-headedness is a sign of maturity and strength. The fact that you’ve mentioned being “afraid to confront her” is actually a sign of your commitment to your family, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
One of the important premarital questions we ask couples during their filling out questionnaires for premarital sessions is, “What will you do when your spouse is attracted to someone else?” We ask this question because the situation is very likely to arise and couples must be prepared to deal prudently with such a situation.
That being said, if your “evidence” is accurate, your situation is more serious. From what you’ve indicated she may not only be attracted to this guy, but could be in a relationship with him. And then there’s the chance that some sexual contact has been made.
My advice:
Speak to her now: There’s no other option but to confront her about the situation and reveal what you have read on her phone. You have to give her the opportunity to provide answers. Some individuals choose, for whatever reason, to sweep matters like these under the rug. However, what’s under the rug never stays under the rug. It must be addressed sensibly as soon as it’s confirmed. You might want to include a counsellor in that chat, especially if you don’t think you can manage it alone.
Be prepared: Prepare yourself for the possibilities. She may confirm this relationship, which will impact you emotionally. She may deny the relationship, and you’ll have to respond smartly. Have a mature plan for each possibility. Also, be prepared for her to choose this guy, and for the relationship to come to an end. Have a mature plan for that too. Ignoring infidelity is an invitation for more and more infidelity. She may also ask for forgiveness, prepare for that too.
Be careful what advice you action: Friends and family will give advice at times like these. Sift through carefully all the suggestions that may come pouring in at this time. Determine to do what is smart, safe and sound for yourself and your family. Do not let anyone feed your anger or any imprudent action. It may be smart not to facilitate much discussion about the situation, especially with persons you know are not mature, productive, and emotionally intelligent, or experienced with relationships. Listening to bad advisors leads to you making wrong choices, which has the potential to make matters much worse. People who genuinely love you may also give you genuinely bad advice. They may get emotional and can’t remain rational.
Get good counselling: A good counsellor will be very useful no matter which direction this goes. The entire family should do a session or sessions with the counsellor. However, this should be after you’ve done a session individually, and also as a couple.
I pray for your continued strength and wisdom.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
