She said no to my proposal!
Dear Counsellor,
I have a big problem. I think 2023 will be my year and I want to enter the year on a good note, with one woman, end the playboy lifestyle, and be a good partner and father. I sent messages to end things with the two women I was dealing with on the side, and last weekend I proposed to my babymother. But she said no, and said that she, too, was making changes for 2023, and didn’t want to be tied down with someone who disrespected her in the past. She said she deserved better, and had found better with someone in the US who valued her. If you had cut me in that moment I wouldn’t have bled!
I’m going through a lot of emotions right now, because not only do I not have a partner, I also got rid of the other women who I could turn to for solace. Now I’m going to be lonely for Christmas and the New Year. What do I do now? I thought every woman wanted to get married, and I was truly going to change.
Thanks for joining in on The Couch. Truth is, you were always going to wind up with a “big problem”. It was inevitable. As you’ve said you were living a “playboy lifestyle”, and that kind of lifestyle is never sustainable. Yes, you were “playing” with those women. And once you play games you stand the chance of losing big. The higher the stakes, the bigger the loss. However, you must be commended for deciding to make a change. You should still maintain that plan for the New Year, to be a better partner (to whoever), and most importantly, to be a good father. I truly hope you will stick to that plan.
I assure you that you are not alone, where guys who suffer such loss are concerned. There are several persons who have played the same games that you have, and are now reaping the same rewards of breakdown in their relationships. Some people think being monogamous is a risky lifestyle. They often think they need a ‘spare’ in case of a breakdown in one relationship. Yet the truth is, anything other than monogamy doesn’t facilitate the best long-term relationship scenario. It’s good that you are perceiving that, despite your present pain.
My advice:
Focus on being a good father: Your child/children need you. They will still need your time and your resources. Having multiple partners equates to you spending resources and time with others when you could be spending time with them. Now that these other women are out of your life you will have resources and the time to spend with your child/children. Take up that opportunity now. Children remember the choices that we made when they become adults, and when we are old.
Focus on yourself: Prove to yourself that you can function on your own. It’s amazing that some people think they must swing from one situation to another. They apparently fear being alone. It is a mature adult who’s quite comfortable being alone. You don’t have to be with someone because it’s Christmas or New Year. Waiting for the right one at the right time is the smart thing to do. Enjoy being single for a while. Give yourself at least six months to settle down and grow. That could be a good goal to set for 2023.
Support your babymother: Despite the fact that she has moved on with this other gentleman, make sure to give her the support she needs. Give her support with the child/children, and the space that she needs to pursue this new relationship. Make that a New Year’s resolution too.
Despite what you are feeling now, you’ve turned the right page. Maintain the decision to be a principled and faithful partner. I pray that you’ll find true happiness.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
