After the break-up: Moving on, breaking down and coming out of the closet

IN October last year American actress Tia Mowry announced her split from husband Cory Hardrict after 14 years of marriage, and since then she hasn’t been shy about sharing, at every chance she gets, the awakening she had when she knew her marriage was over, when she really started to focus on her happiness.

Many people have criticised her for being so candid about disrupting her family life in her quest for happiness, especially with Hardrict being mostly silent. They see her as a villain because she chose peace and happiness over marriage.

No one enters a relationship with the expectation that it will end; in fact, often it’s the shock of it ending that sends many of us spiralling downward wherein we do things considered odd or strange as we seek control and to steady the rocking boat. And so, ‘normal’ people will do illogical and abnormal things – some people change for good, and some are never quite the same.

We asked people: What are some of the changes that occurred in your life at the time when the wounds from a break-up were fresh and healing? We heard how some managed to move on, some had breakdowns, and some explored another side of romance altogether.

Aleshia, 25:

Mentally I snapped, I was unable to deal with the loss. It was like someone died. In order to not feel the way I felt I made up a scenario in my head that we were still together, and I stalked him. It even became a police matter when I damaged his property. My family had to intervene and take me to the country for a while, and even brought me to church because my mental state was just so bad. Eventually I recovered and got counselling, and learnt how never to make someone so much of your world that a break-up will make you spiral into madness.

Kendall, 30:

I could tell that we wouldn’t make it after he cheated. And even after he apologised and I forgave him, deep down I knew that I was emotionally distancing so I was able to mentally move on from him even while we were still together. I’d advise women to look for the red flags and prepare themselves, because you don’t want to be vulnerable and have a break-up hit you hard. So, once you check out, plan ahead for how to physically leave, then do it when you’re able.

Angelica, 32:

I called the woman, showed up at her house, did all kinds of crazy stuff that are totally unlike me. It was a process I needed to go through. He did end up coming back to me but it was never the same after that. By the time he came to me again and said it was best if we broke up, I was in agreement and was better able to handle him leaving.

Sharon, 55:

This was 20 years ago and I will never forget. This man left for work as usual, then disappeared and had me calling the police to report a missing person. He called me a few days later to apologise — he didn’t know how to tell me that he was going to America to get married, to make a better life for us. He expected me to wait as if I was a fool. Only the grace of God saved me,because I went into a very dark place after that. I couldn’t be with another man after that; men are too dishonest. My partner today understands compassion and honesty, and she makes me happy.

Toni-Ann, 37:

Manage to move on? You never really recover, you just manage to live with the grief. I was left at the altar — not literally — but days before our wedding he called it off, and to this day I haven’t got a satisfactory explanation. I still see him all the time. He’s now married to another person, and it’s so unfair because I didn’t even get closure. I just learned to live day by day and try not to think too much about that heartbreak.