Black sheep outside child wants in on father’s legacy

DEAR COUNSELLOR,

I am a single mother to a young son whose father is a very prominent man. His father supports him financially and sees him in my home, but not ever in any public setting. This arrangement was fine in kindergarten, but my son is entering prep school in September, and it was while registering a few weeks ago that I realised the problems that this arrangement is going to cause in the future. The father had asked that his name not be on the birth certificate for privacy reasons, and my son has my last name. I could sense already some type of discrimination from the school and others, and I can foresee other issues, especially on parent days, activities where parents are to attend, and just other things at the school that involved parents do. Also, my son is beginning to ask questions and compare his friends’ relationships with their dads to his odd one. My son’s father has a wife, children, and even grandchildren, and I just want to know what I can do to bring my “black sheep” into the fold.

You are concerned that your son is going to miss out on having his father play an active role in his life. And you are correct to be concerned about this, with regards to school and otherwise. Children do want and need both their parents. However, they can do quite well if the only parent they have is strategic. It is good that your son’s dad at the least spends some time with him. The visits at home work now and are better than his absolute absence, yet it certainly will become an issue for your son later on.

Remember, having a child and not being confident of the presence and participation of the father is always risky. My documentary entitled Dear Dad presents the statistics regarding the risks and what can happen to fatherless youth. Contact me for a link if you’d like to view it.

My advice:

Speak to your son’s father: Ask him to reconsider his position for the sake of his son. Tell him you understand the desire to keep the secret, but his son doesn’t deserve to suffer from the situation. Remind him that at any moment his son can and probably will begin to tell others who his father is. So it makes sense for the secret to be made known on good terms.

Assure your son: Make sure you buoy up your son’s confidence. Let him know he’s well loved and ensure that you speak affirming words to him regularly. Do not suppose that he doesn’t understand what’s going on. Children are often smarter than we think. So you will want to sit with him and explain the situation soon. Let him know that you’re sorry that this is the situation, but that he can be as prominent as his father is. Don’t be too concerned right now about your son having a relationship with his siblings. Get him through his schooling and childhood with confidence. The other details will work themselves out later on.

Get a mentor: If your son’s father doesn’t want to play his role as father, make sure to seek out a good male mentor for him. This is the strategic move mothers in similar positions execute to strengthen their sons. Whether it’s an uncle, a grandfather, or a good friend, a trustworthy strong male presence in his life will be very important.

Secure yourself: Do not expose yourself to further unnecessary complications. Ensure you’re not hoping or trying to facilitate the demise of your son’s father’s family. Try to keep the relationship with him limited to his care for his son. You’ll need space in your life for a prospective husband of your own.

I pray you find your way to happiness for your son and yourself.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.