Hubby worries about pleasing wife
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
I was very insecure about my body when I started dating my wife because every woman I’d been with before had commented on my inability to please them in the bedroom, which resulted in the break-ups. I tried a lot of doctors and supplements while my wife and I were dating. We did not engage in premarital sex, and when we consummated our marriage she seemed pleased enough. She has never once complained in the three years we’ve been married, even though sometimes I wonder what she’s really thinking. You see, I’m well aware of what I lack physically and so I try to make up by being a caring and understanding lover. All was well until I saw some messages that she sent a friend, commenting on a worker who had been to our home to do some repairs. The way she spoke about the man was shocking, and made me realise that there were certain things that she was craving. What can I do? I have not said anything, and she acts normal. The guy is coming back to finish up some work, and I plan to be at home this time to observe how she acts around him.
Kudos to you for being bold enough to reach out for advice. It takes a courageous and clever person to seek help when they’re hurting. Unfortunately, many men who are hurting choose not to be open about what’s crushing them emotionally — maybe this is another reason why women outlive men. However, you’ve done well to reach out regarding this insecurity.
I do think you missed an opportunity not having discussed this matter thoroughly during premarital counselling; it might have helped to alleviate your concerns from then. However, you’ve said that your wife has never “complained” about having an issue, so don’t make this too big of an issue now.
Have you ever heard about someone who’d lost their vision and then developed amazing hearing? I think it would be useful for you to arm yourself with this — when one function is in question, allow other skills to develop. You’ve alluded to being a “caring and understanding lover” so you’re already ahead of the game. But let’s be clear, your penis size is not going to change so spare yourself any unnecessary expenses and concoctions; there’s no proof any of that works. Focus instead on developing prowess with all your assets. Note: A large penis does not guarantee a woman’s sexual satisfaction.
Any professional hearing your concern would recommend that you ensure you are fully capable with your present endowment. Maximise what you’ve got, and make your experience with your wife a unique adventure of discoveries.
My suggestions:
Be confident: Your wife will need you to be confident — that’s what will keep her excited about you. You have a unique opportunity to be super special so use it. The world is a different place for us once we operate with strong confidence.
Talk to your wife: Have a light chat with her about the message she sent. Discuss it from a position of confidence and self-assurance. Let her know that you found it inappropriate and offensive.
Think creatively: Most women do not orgasm from penetration alone. Women need tenderness and creativity to be pleased in the bedroom. Also, positivity, playfulness, love, and diligence will go a very long way for you. There are also good books and tools that can help you develop new (daredevil) skills.
Get counselling: I recommend seeing a sex therapist to help build your confidence. It seems your wife and yourself are people of faith so you might appreciate professionals that are likeminded. Experts such as Dr Carla Dunbar are accessible.
I’m also available for further discussion at www.counsellorscouch.com. I pray that you both enjoy the journey of exploration and discovery ahead of you.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
