Man worried about quality of women in dating pool
Counsellor,
I have been struggling with my dating life and the kind of women I attract. I am 32, educated and ambitious, but I’ve noticed a pattern where I seem to attract women who aren’t interested in meaningful connections or growing together. They are all vapid leeches who want to be taken care of as soon as we start to talk. They need men to pay their rent, support their kids, and buy them bundles, with only their female assets to offer in return. I’m starting to feel frustrated and wonder if there’s something I might be overlooking or some way I might be contributing to this dynamic. Or is it that today’s women are all like this? No matter where I look – church, college, the workplace, etc, they’re all the same.
I’ve been working on myself and trying to understand what qualities I truly value in a partner. Despite this, I seem to keep meeting women who don’t align with what I’m looking for. I would appreciate any advice you might have on what I could do to attract the kind of partner who shares my values and goals.
So the women you’ve been dating haven’t shown any depth or shown interest in mutual growth or benefit. Understood. It’s good that you have been able to discern that early though. You wouldn’t want to realise they were just opportunistic too late. Yes, it can be frustrating, hoping that someone will make a quality partner only to realise they’re insincere. However, don’t be too frustrated, there are indeed really good women out there. Your challenge isn’t a 21st century challenge, it’s age-old. That’s why the
Bible says, “Who can find a virtuous woman?” (Proverbs 31:10)
Every good thing comes with patient search. Fear not. When you eventually find Ms Right you’ll value her and the relationship even more. Also, understand that women have been dealing with similar struggles too. They have dated guys hoping they’ll be the one and often find out he just wanted sex – no depth, no decency. It’s the nature of things in this broken world we live in. Some people will be selfish, deceitful, and opportunistic. But there indeed are good people out there.
My advice:
Travel more: Travel both locally and overseas. You’ll broaden your pool when you travel widely. Be adventurous and go to places you’ve never been to before. While you’re there, go to formal events, conferences, concerts, and places of culture. And be willing to engage with people. Of course, be smart about safety. Chances are, Ms Right is out there waiting for her Mr Right to come find her and sweep her off her feet with suave and swagger.
Be open: I advise singles to broaden the physical attributes they are looking for. Mixed-race couples are also increasingly a thing. People are finally learning to appreciate more the value of differences. And once a couple gets proper premarital counselling they can power through cultural differences while maintaining similar values and goals.
Don’t bling out: Keep a modest flex, especially when you go on a date. If you toss cash around (#flossing) you’ll attract ‘gold miners’. Remember KISS – Keep it simple, silly. You can step things up when you’re sure the relationship is worth increased investment.
Understand women: All women, even Ms Right, will want a sense of security. So there will always be an interest in your ability to offer stability and security. That’s natural. The woman who’s looking to use and abuse with unreasonable demands, she must be disqualified.
The Bible says, “He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing.” (Proverbs 18:22) It implies that men must be intentional with the search to “find” a wife. So be encouraged, take your time, and enjoy the search. There’s a powerful purpose even in that pursuit. For further assistance reach out to counsellorscouch.com.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
