Hubby cheated with an ugly girl
Counsellor,
For personal reasons, I stopped intimacy with my husband over four months ago. I felt like he wasn’t treating me right, wasn’t playing his role, and I just fell into a state where I could no longer give myself to him, because I deserve more. For context, I did marry way below my level, educationally, intellectually, and socially. I assumed, and didn’t mind, that he would seek affection elsewhere, and he did. My issue is not with his choice, but who he chose. He’s cheating with a woman who is ugly, ghetto, poor and uneducated. I feel insulted because I thought he had certain standards, and I could never be serious about him again, after he stooped so low. He has said he wants to work on the marriage, but I’m honestly more turned off now than before. What are your thoughts?
Your husband cheated on you with someone you deem unappealing, and he now wants to fix the marriage, but you’re unsure what to do. There’s a reason we say “marriage is big-people business”. It’s because marriage requires long-term dedication, discipline and sacrifice. Many people are getting married and have no clue what they’re doing. They often think, find someone I “love”, then just tie the knot. They don’t realise how necessary proper preparatory work is to live with this person for the rest of their life.
You’ve said some concerning things. You’ve said, “he wasn’t treating me right”, but how you respond to that matters. And what do you actually define as “his role”? And did he understand that and know your expectations? You’ve said that you married way below your “level”. If you started out with that in mind, you were always headed for trouble. If he was not good enough from then, it’d be hard for him to ever become “good enough” in your mind. I wonder if you both got premarital counselling.
Proper premarital counselling should have:
1) Prepared your husband, so he’d understand what you require of him (even if he is less educated than you are).
2) Prepared you, so that you know what he requires of you.
3) Prepared both of you, so that you both know how to respond properly when challenges arise.
It can’t be that you “didn’t mind” that he sought “affection elsewhere”, and now you do mind. It should not be that you are okay with his wandering off to get “affection”. You are each other’s source of affection and intimacy. Where’s the mutual care? The
Bible says, “Defraud ye not one the other”, 1 Corinthians 1:7. It sounds like you both have done some defrauding. You both do “deserve better”. You’ve denied each other DUE care and covering. Damage has been done. But if you both are resilient enough, then seek counselling in an effort to heal the deep wounds that now exist. And if unfortunately your marriage fails, before either of you attempt another relationship, get help, for a healthier perspective on relationships.
Disparaging the woman he cheated with because she’s from a low-income community, “ugly” and poor, is concerning. Your chagrin should be his cheating. Give a counsellor the opportunity to help to equip you both properly. Some marriages would be quite amazing and beautiful, and not end in disaster, if only the couple had gotten the right help. Give yourselves the privilege of further advice, relevant information and useful exercises in order to be better at marriage.
Marriage dynamics aren’t taught in school or university — people are often left to figure it out on their own. Family relationships are often so loose that proper lessons are not being passed down to equip young couples well enough for marriage. Hopefully more organisations and churches, or para-church groups, etc, will provide useful courses and seminars that will help engaged couples, or struggling marriages, or the singles looking to get married. Remember, marriage is a powerful privilege requiring careful protection.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
