Wife wants to move on
Counsellor,
My husband is giving me the ‘ick’ and I don’t want to enter a new year in this marriage. Someone told me some months ago that they couldn’t believe that I married him and had a child with him, as he was not my type at all, and since then, all I can think about is how much I levelled down. I only see his faults and I’m tuned out. We have not communicated in weeks, neither have we been intimate, and I’m sleeping in the guest room. I think that things are irretrievably broken, and I don’t want to fix it. How does one exit a relationship easily, without causing too much hurt for the other person?
You’ve determined your marriage was a mistake and you want out. Understood. I’d like to know, though, what traits of his give you the “ick”? And next, did you not experience the “ick” while you dated? I get it that you are now “tuned out”, but to be fair to the younger version of yourself that made the decision to marry him, you should facilitate an investigation into what went wrong and why things have collapsed so dramatically.
When you shift from such an important decision you’ve made, I do believe you lose a bit of your self-confidence. I’m not saying a change of course isn’t often necessary in life. I am saying there’s a possible impact on your decision-making when you feel you’ve made such a dramatic mistake. So make absolutely sure you want to “course-correct” before you endeavour to bid him adieu.
I continue to trumpet the message of premarital counselling. I beg couples to take the time, make the investment, do the work necessary to give your relationship the best chance. Submit yourselves to probing questions, to unearth the truth about each other so that there are little negative surprises about him or her after the wedding day. Marriage is like a business partnership; you should never sign the contract until you know all the details of your responsibility and your liability. Any “ick” should be discovered, and possibly discussed, before saying “I do”.
My advice:
Speak to your husband: Let him know your decision. You can make the suggestions that I make below.
Speak to your family: Speak to your family and your in-laws, and let them know what’s happening. Be respectful and polite, no matter their response. Remain objective and listen and evaluate their opinions.
Get counselling: Go through the details of your situation to evaluate what happened. Figure out where mistakes were made, and why a decision was made to marry each other. It isn’t very “easy” to exit a marriage, as it really shouldn’t be. A marriage is a big deal. It really shouldn’t be very “easy” to get into or out of. The Bible speaks about divorce here – Matthew 19:6 / Malachi 2:16. However, a good counsellor should be able to assist both of you with the emotional aspects of things.
Speak to a lawyer: Depending on whether you have children, assets, debt, etc, you’ll need legal advice on how to proceed. Who gets what, how and when, has to be determined. Both of you will want fair representation.
Consider a mediator: A mediator can help you both determine how to pull things down amicably, if both of you are minded to be fair to each other. You can avoid major expenses from drawn-out court battles with a mediator. A good mediator can also help to mitigate excessive and unnecessary heartache and heartbreak.
Get support: If you have a pastor, liaise with them and let them know what’s happening and why it’s happening. You could also find wise trusted friends that can stand with you as you go through the process.
I pray that you’ll know what best to do and that happiness will result for both of you.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
