The seven-year itch
Counsellor,
I am 30 and have been with my partner for seven years. I am contemplating leaving, because it seems he has no intention of marrying me. I have helped him build himself from nothing, and also helped him build his business, and now it seems like he has outgrown me. In the initial stages of our relationship he had said we would get married “in time”, but nowadays, whenever I raise the topic, he changes the subject. His whole demeanour has also changed, and based on what he reads, watches on TV, and talks about, he seems to want more for his life. We don’t have children, but we live together in a home that I financed 90 per cent of. What do you think I should do? Continue to hold on, or get out before it’s too late for me to have a family?
You’ve been with your partner for a while, and you feel discouraged because the relationship isn’t progressing as you hoped. Understood. You have a right to feel disappointed; it seems there’s a breach of the agreement. If your partner agreed to get married, and now he’s not following through, that’s a breach of the agreement. Yes, you’re right to take a practical look at the situation.
It seems you’ve invested heavily into the relationship. Based on what you’ve said, you have invested resources and time into him, hoping for a happy family. So if you’re not getting what you have invested for, does it make sense to keep investing, with little hope for a return on your investment? You’ll indeed have to decide.
My advice:
Determine what you really want: You must have boundaries. YOU are the defender of your future. And you can only “hold on” if you have a plan and strategy. So, be clear: Marriage by when? Children by when? And maintain your strategic pursuit of those. A “partner” is a teammate to achieve mutually beneficial goals. Figure out what equates to a final deal-breaker for you. Remember #YOLO — so be decisive.
Speak to him again: Sit down with your partner and share from your heart. But be prepared to give him an ultimatum. Let him know that you’ve reached a pivotal point and you’ll now make a choice regarding the relationship. Tell him your terms and what the result will be if he isn’t interested in them. Remember, a relationship is like a contractual agreement, if there’s a breach, there must be consequences. If he’d said you’d get married “in time”, then seven years later certainly seems to be “over time”. Ask him pointedly, “Are you in or are you out?”
Prepare an exit strategy: Decide what you will do if he isn’t willing to compromise and fulfil your heart’s desire. If he isn’t “in”, that’s okay. It’s okay to “start over”. You’re young and it’s a large world out there. Think through what you’ll do. You may need to get legal advice too, if assets are involved.
Fix your perspective: Life isn’t easy, it always requires difficult choices. Either way the chips fall, you’ll learn something useful. As it is said, “Never let any experience go to waste.” If the relationship unfortunately fails, do not despair. Learn from it. And understand that, like a rented house, you got some benefit while it existed. Difficult, but true. Yes, there’s loss, but I think you’d say you’ve had good experiences and gains made too?!
Get support: If you are Christian and believe in prayer, pray. Ask the Lord Jesus for help and guidance. That’s the best support anyone can have. Consider leaning on friends and family as well for emotional support if the relationship doesn’t work out. You can also reach out for counselling too. If needed, come in together.
I do pray that you both will have synergy and see eye to eye.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
