Hubby itching to cheat
Counsellor,
Is there ever a point when cheating would be considered okay, as in my case, where my wife is denying me intimacy, but wants to continue the marriage? We’re both 42, married 17 years, with three children. We sleep in separate rooms, as per her request, and she had been fulfilling her wifely duties — very sparsely — but at least she was making an attempt. But for the past six months, there has been no action at all. The last time I tried to initiate, she embarrassed me so badly that I’m afraid to approach her again. She says she’s quite fine without my company. What can I do? We won’t be getting a divorce or separate or anything like that, but what allocations are there when a man has needs, but his wife is unwilling to play her role in the bedroom?
Your wife has backed out of sexual intimacy, and you want to know if it’s okay to fill the “gap” elsewhere. Understood. Many husbands, wives, and extramarital partners struggle with this question, about extramarital sex being okay. My best answer to your question is ultimately “No”. There isn’t a point when cheating would be considered okay. When is the word CHEAT literally used in a good context?
The inclination is often to think that it’s just sex. However, there’s more going on than just the ecstasy and the orgasm. PS, a side chick will have feelings too…She’ll often also want more time, more attention, resources, etc. And there are deep psychological and spiritual things happening behind the scenes too. And don’t you think there are consequences for being deceptive, secretive, or going against a vow made? If you said to your wife at the altar, “I will have no other women besides you — unless you stop giving me sex”, then let me know!
You certainly have needs. And she is in a way cheating you once she is withholding sex. But you don’t want to make a bad situation worse. I have heard those arguments that monogamy isn’t fair, or natural, for reasons like yours. However, from a sociological or medical, or spiritual standpoint, I’d say monogamy is still best practice. Polygamous arrangements have their struggles too — for those that would cite that. Somebody will often still feel cheated there too — whether for time, resources, respect, or affection.
Yes, a wife can feel less pressured for sex because her husband has a side source. But understand, it is often not that your wife doesn’t want to have sex. It usually is that the context for sex isn’t right for her. She needs to feel protected, loved, etc. But often she may perceive that her husband isn’t willing to put in the necessary work to win her. She can feel cheated from that standpoint too. Then if you have a side chick it can confirm that you didn’t really care about her feelings or needs.
My advice:
Get skilled: When sex is withheld it often means respect is diminished. What do you need to do to woo and win her again? What does she NEED from you? (Remember, a side chick is still going to have “needs”. So you might as well take the time to gain the necessary skills to unlock the goodies from your wife.)
Brave up: Don’t give up on approaching her for intimacy. Forgive her and try again to learn what makes her receptive. Chances are, she really isn’t fine without your company — that’s probably a coping mechanism. Figure out her love language and go at it again. A sexless marriage is an unhealthy marriage.
Get counselling: An intervention can often make a difference. Get counselling intervention before you think of any other intervention. Sessions can help to ascertain if anything untoward is going on with her too. She may even have a medical challenge to disclose. Our online counselling sessions make accessing support and discussion easy and convenient.
I pray that passion, intimacy and understanding will be restored to your marriage.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
