Fiancée asked what I’m bringing to the table
Counsellor,
I’ve known my fiancée for many years, as we both grew up in the same church. We will be getting married soon, but I’m not sure what to do about a problem I’ve been noticing. My fiancée is too independent, a real modern woman, and I’m feeling like she is not cut out to be a proper traditional wife, after all. She has her own car, own house, and has a very good job. She doesn’t ask me for anything, not even advice! I try to talk to her about maybe slowing down to focus more on the home and family we will be building together, but all she asks in a feisty way, is what I am bringing to the table.
She says she won’t be the only one cooking, unless she’s in the mood, and when I mention that my mother keeps her house very well, she said I should live with my mother then. I’m not trying to control her, I just expect my marriage to be more traditional, and can’t help feeling that these red flags are warnings to back away. Am I asking for too much? Or do I need to adjust my expectations in this new age of relationships?
Your fiancée is very independent, driven and non-traditional and it’s negatively impacting you. Understood. Yes, there’s a red flag. But a red flag doesn’t mean no-deal. It means pause for a cause, assess carefully, and attempt to address the issue. If the issues aren’t becoming more acceptable, that’s when you run. Observing all red flags is common sense.
Yes, “modern women” have an “evolved” perspective on independence, roles and responsibilities, marriage, career, parenting, etc. Women are more empowered today and society is having to adjust. Both husbands and wives are breadwinning and wearing pants. And house-husband is a thing.
However, her having her own assets and a good job should be celebrated, not berated. Be careful to chase harmony more than tradition. Learn to prioritise each other’s comfort level. And find workable compromises. The Bible says, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” {Amos 3:3}. Find agreement!
For the relationship to work, find:
1)Synergy: You are traditional, you want quality time, you want to be provider and protector, you want a slower paced, more simplistic life. Fine. But what does she want? And what does she expect from you? And what is your definition of a “proper traditional wife”? Both of you have to be clear about what you want from each other. She’s absolutely not your mother. She brings a different blessing. Remember that! Both of your expectations have to be in-sync. Meaningful discussion, good counselling and smart compromise should help.
2) Relatability: You both must connect with each other better than with anyone else. The relationship won’t work if you both can’t relate. To #Relate well is form the foundation of a good #Relationship. She should understand you and be interested in your position and opinion, and vice versa. Not caring about your input or advice is a problem. It implies there’s an issue with respect. It might help if you become more confident and passionate about your career and goals.
3) Flexibility: It might help if you consider becoming more open to non-traditional roles. Both of you must be willing to make adjustments if a marriage is to make sense. Marriage is all about compromise. There’s no way to create one life out of two without being flexible. Meaningful discussion and counselling might help create mutual flexibility.
Yes, you may be asking too much of her and too little of yourself. But you must know what your dealbreaker is. There would be women that may better fit your “traditional” mould. But yes, it’s a new world, with new opportunities. I pray that you both find clarity. I highly recommend premarital counselling if you intend to move forward.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
