Husband checked out of the marriage

Dear Counsellor,

I am a 39-year-old woman, married to my husband for nine years, and I’m at a point where I feel like this marriage is damaging my mental health. I’m seriously considering leaving. We have two children together, and I have two from a previous relationship —one is an adult, and the other lives with his father.

Over the years, I’ve tried to make this marriage work, but I feel emotionally starved. My husband doesn’t celebrate special occasions like my birthday, our anniversary, or Valentine’s Day. I’ve brought it up many times, but he simply says he doesn’t celebrate those things. Ironically, we were both born in the same month, and even then, I’ve never received any meaningful recognition from him.

Last year, my mother sent me money for my birthday, so I used it to treat myself and my son, whose birthday was the following day. My husband didn’t even offer me a dollar, and when I got home, he asked if I hadn’t brought any food for him. This year he gave me a cologne set — unwrapped —with no kiss, no intimacy, nothing. Yet every year I make the effort to make him feel special. It hurts deeply that the same care and thoughtfulness are never returned.

His relationship with my children is strained, and it affects the overall atmosphere in the home. We no longer share a bed, but when he wants sex, he comes to me. One of our daughters has been diagnosed with a speech delay and often doesn’t want to sleep alone. He uses that as a reason to sleep by himself. I’ve suggested counselling so we can work on our issues, but his response is always, “If you want to go, that’s fine — but I don’t need it”.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I talk to myself more and sometimes blurt out “shut up” as a way to silence the internal noise. I carry a lot of shame and guilt, and I struggle to control these outbursts in public. Emotionally, I feel completely alone. No matter what I contribute to this marriage, it’s never acknowledged. It’s always as if he’s the only one doing anything. I’ve found myself seeking external validation — craving for someone, anyone, to appreciate me — and I’ve lost touch with the few friends I had. I feel isolated.

I’m currently in school, trying to improve myself, and for a while, I had support from the school’s counsellor. She helped me, and I did see some progress. But those sessions have ended now, and I feel like I’m back to square one. We don’t have family support, and I’ve tried countless times to connect with my husband so we could go to counselling together, but I can’t seem to reach him emotionally or mentally.

I don’t want to cheat — I want love, support, and peace. But I’m on the verge of walking away because I believe this relationship is the root of my mental and emotional decline. I used to be a warm, social person, but I’ve changed. I no longer relate to people the same way. It’s hard to maintain friendships when I don’t even feel like myself anymore.

We are currently building a house on land that my husband bought before we got together. Even though I’ve contributed to the building financially, when he’s upset he says it’s his house and doesn’t want me to claim any part of it. When I ask about the money I’ve invested, it becomes an issue. The land is actually under joint tenancy — purchased by him and a colleague he no longer gets along with. Recently, I asked him about a piece of land, and his response was, “If you buy land behind my back, I will divorce you, because I’ll have to pay it back”. That caught me off guard. I never asked him to pay for anything, yet everything feels like a battle — even things that should bring us closer feel like they push us further apart.

The truth is, I feel like I’m living this life entirely for my family — and not at all for myself. I am losing my identity, and some days I honestly don’t know who I am anymore.

By the way, my husband reads your column regularly. Maybe, through this, he’ll finally hear me.

Understood. I hear how you’re hurting. Remember this, “Count your blessings, name them one by one…” It sounds as though you’ve had some successes and blessings in your life. You’ve had four children! That alone is an amazing blessing. Remember, positive energy attracts positive things. Yes, you may need to entertain yourself like an only child might for a bit. And that’s okay. Choose to learn and grow from this difficult experience.

It’s good that you’re improving yourself. Congratulations! Also, consider self-development. Busy yourself with new courses, learning a new language, or taking up a sport. Gain from this period, don’t lose from it. And yes, you can still be a warm, sociable person. It’s also good that you don’t want to cheat. That would only add stress to you; one relationship at a time. But give yourself some grace, because the rest of your life can be the best of your life. Why should your precious happiness depend absolutely on another fragile human being?!

This is why the Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” (Proverbs 3:5.) And “Love the Lord with all your heart” (Luke 10:17).

Your marriage is strained, but remain intentional about your own happiness and growth. Work on your general fitness and health: your mind, soul, and your spirit. I also recommend that you schedule a counselling session. I stand ready to assist.

Regarding your husband, chat with him again. Maybe take him out to dinner. Let him know you love him, but… Tell him now is when he tries to save the marriage. Divorce can be very expensive and inconvenient. Tell him you choose him, but he needs to choose you again right now. Ask him what he thinks has affected your marriage, because you’re “struggling”. Maybe suggest a time period, like three months, in which to salvage things.

Be strategic. There’s a story of a man who was leaving his wife. She told him, “Before you leave me in a month, as you’ve said, all I ask is that you lift me up to my bed each night.” She said she’d divorce peacefully if he did that. The man had fallen for another woman and was leaving. Well, he promised and so he did. He lifted her to bed each night for a couple weeks. As he did so he began to remember how much she’d meant to him before. He later apologised with tears and reaffirmed his love and commitment to her. Sometimes patience and wisdom can change things.

I pray your husband wakes up and reaffirms his love and save the marriage. But whatever happens, I also pray that you’ll see the possibilities before you, because the rest of your life can indeed be the best of your life! Call if needed.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.