Sister wives?
Counsellor, My husband’s babymother and their child have been living in the United States for some years, and the mother decided that she is ready to come home, because of the immigration climate in the States. They had bought the house we now live in together, and when she left he paid the mortgage alone, even though her name is still on the title. Now he tells me that when she comes back she wants to live upstairs in the addition we built, and he is actually OK with it, as they can co-parent under one roof. I have a problem with this, as she has always been disrespectful to me, and flirtatious with him. And one time when he was visiting his child overseas, he confessed that they were intimate, and I forgave him, as he insisted that it was a drunken encounter. He won’t listen to my concerns, and I don’t know what to do. He said I’m overthinking things, but I feel like I’m being forced to be a sister wife.
Your husband’s ex wants to come there to live with you. Your husband approves and you don’t. You want to know what to do. This is not a prudent plan. You are 100 per cent correct to have a problem with such a plan. The chances of you living a peaceful life, in that condition, are slim to none. Especially since:
1) She has been flirting with him.
2) He has since had sex with her.
3) She has been disrespectful to you.
4) She has her name on the title.
It is a bad idea. It is understandable that your husband wants to secure his child. It is more tolerable for the child to come to live with you. However, even that can be a challenge. It requires careful planning and discipline. The rules would have to be absolutely clear. Your husband would have to be able to communicate clear boundaries to his child. He must be able to protect you, so that the child respects you. And you’d need to have the authority to instruct.
Even though the plan is for them to be in a separate section of the house, common sense says things will end badly. You may be tormented by her. You may argue with your husband about her frequently (because your trust will be impacted). You may be in conflict with her regularly. You may argue with the child, because he/she doesn’t think they need to respect you, etc.
If things are desperate and she has to come there, it should strictly be for a very short period. I would suggest no longer than two weeks. She should quickly try to find an alternative for where she will be on day 15. Anywhere but there!
My advice:
Speak to your husband: Let him know that you are trying to protect your family. Let him know that the risks are too high. Tell him you’re not prepared to gamble with your relationship. Reaffirm your love for him but let him know this will not work for you. Spell out the reasons that I have mentioned above. Tell him, while you trust him, you do not trust her. The Bible says in Proverbs 6:26b (Amplified Bible) “… the adulteress stalks and snares [as with a hook] the precious life [of a man].” This verse warns against the dangers of some immoral women and their influence on men. So, tell him you are not about to set him up to be prey for her.
Stay positive: Don’t be overwhelmed by the situation. Be smart. Life is full of challenges, but those that get the best out of life, they can stay calm in the midst of challenges. Never panic, just plan. You could consider speaking to a lawyer also, to get legal advice.
Everyone has to be smart about how to protect their home. Note: it is said, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Love your husband, but put down your foot.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
