COUNSELLOR, I cheated on my wife a few years ago, with several women, and even had a child outside the marriage. The child is now eight, and since that error I have been totally committed to my wife. In total, we have been married 16 years. Recently I found out that she has been entertaining a gentleman, and to say that I am shocked is an understatement. I am hurt, disappointed, and feel disrespected, especially since when confronted she said she has no regrets. As far as I know they are still continuing their romance on the side, while I sit and can’t do much about it. Unfortunately, I am up in age and unable to give her what she wants intimately so maybe that’s why she’s taking revenge, even though I thought she had forgiven me and moved past my infidelity. What would you recommend?

Your wife is having an affair, and you think it’s revenge for your past unfaithfulness, and because you can’t offer her sexual intimacy at present. It is a messy, unhealthy and unhelpful situation. I can imagine the emotional turmoil both of you must be going through. She would have suffered deeply during your infidelity, and you must be suffering deeply now. Love and romance, precious gifts as they are, can certainly be emotionally devastating when things fall apart. As Junior Kelly says, “If love so nice, tell me why it hurt so bad”.

For reasons like yours, and to discuss with couples “why it hurt so bad”, I’m hosting a marriage seminar on Saturday, April 25. Registration will be at a minimal cost. We will delve into ‘Sex, Communication and Money’. Those are the three troublesome areas for marriages. The first five couples to register will gain free entry. If you’d like to attend, e-mail me at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com with the words “Sign Us Up”, along with your WhatsApp contact number. A registration form will be sent to you.

Every precious gift must be treasured. If someone gives you their heart, treasure it; it’s priceless, but fragile. Fidelity has been a struggle for many, despite “love” being “so nice”. So yes, people often do reap what they sow. It is smart for couples to consider this before stepping out. If it’s something you would not want done to you, then do not do it. Romantic relationships are a spice to this life. If you are blessed with a partner, celebrate and protect that.

The Bible has a warning, “Bread of deceit is sweet to a man; but afterwards his mouth shall be filled with gravel” (Proverbs 20:17). In this context it means cheating can feel rewarding and pleasurable, but in the end it causes sustained pain and regret. She may feel justified in her present affair. She may also feel that she has few options now, since she has a need for sexual intimacy. However, there is a more prudent way to resolve the situation, if you are willing to do the work.

You will have to try to woo and win her all over again, as when you were first courting her. She will need to feel she means the world to you because your past infidelity told her she did not. Your “game” has to be the strongest it’s ever been. Women will overlook limitations if you can bring strong and sustained game, and amazing creativity. Your work is cut out for you!

It may be difficult for her to change her behaviour at this point but your game will be the determining factor. If you do treasure her, then it is worth a shot! It all comes down to what you are willing to do to woo and win her again. I recommend that you contact me to book a session.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

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