I was not made a horse,

And yet, I bear a burden,

Like an ass.

Shakespeare, Richard II, V, 5

There is this joke about a nurse who was dyslexic, dyslexia being the affliction that makes people read things backwards. It poses a problem for many children in school, but with therapy it can be overcome. Anyway, this poor nurse made a horrible mistake, when the doctor bellowed at her, “Nurse Henry, I distinctly wrote your instructions, prick the man’s boil…prick his boil.” Now, being dyslexic she read it backwards and…well, you can just imagine the rest. A little prick would have saved that patient’s problems, instead he felt the heat. But before I get into the penile world, let me just say what a wonderful renaissance of theatre we’re having in Jamaica at this time and I certainly indulged last week. First I saw Christine Bell’s fantastic one-woman show, and then there was the brilliant staging of Tartuffe by the University Players. Tartuffe, with an excellent performance by Alwyn Scott in the title role, also starred Munair Zacca and Paul Issa, who directed it. What was most heart-warming was that the final performance played to a full house, which just shows that quality theatre still has its market. Tartuffe was written over 400 years ago by French playwright Molière, but is still relevant and funny, especially when adapted in English and of course, Jamaican. But on to this week’s tale of what a sharp, pointy object can do. Yes, a little prick is involved, but right after these words from some readers.

Hey Tony,

Regarding what you had to say about The Ideal Woman. You asked the question, “What would you think of a woman who deprives her man of sex, can’t cook, can’t dance, can’t dress, always tired and loves to curse men?” The answer is, a feminist or my ex-wife. Also Tony, many Jamaican women will tell you, “Man fi get ‘koof’ every now and then to keep them in line.

Lanny

Teerob,

If I didn’t know any better I would swear that you have a listening device in my house, for everything you say is so true about the ideal woman. I never wanted any woman who’s too pretty as they’re too full of themselves and simply can’t relax. But just a nice middle-of-the-road woman who will love me for who I am is all I ask for. Nothing too fancy, just a girl who feels it’s okay to squeeze the bumps on my chin.

Howard

Tony,

Idealism only exists in cheap romantic novels and B movies. There is no ideal woman nowadays. The modern woman is out to get something and will not just settle for any average guy. So men can look all they want for the ideal woman, but they are as elusive and impossible as a young woman falling in love with a poor, elderly man. It just does not happen.

Gregory

The dictionary defines prick as: To puncture or pierce with a sharp pointed object; to stick, to rupture; as in to lance or prick a boil to release its contents. So that aforementioned nurse almost got it right. But the word prick also has other meanings, among them, phallus, penis, member, buddy, wood. I figured that if I could devote a column to the vagina a few weeks ago, I should give equal billing to its counterpart. But clearly my research had to take a different slant, as most men are really emotionally attached, and don’t readily discuss that part of their anatomy with other men. I couldn’t take matters in hand and frankly had no desire to. So I had to rely on what I read in the advice columns, plus garner intelligence from my friends in the medical profession.

Now it seems that the majority of men are obsessed with their penis and spend more time thinking about that organ than they really should. Little boys growing up are fascinated by it and constantly touch it, fondle it, stroke it, tickle it and squeeze it. It’s a fascination that does not go away even when the boy attains manhood. It has been said that women have penis envy, but statistics have shown that men suffer from this malady more than women, as the majority of men envy the penis of other men. The doctors say that this is because when a man views his organ, he sees it from above, thereby distorting and diminishing its size because of the angle of looking down, so it appears smaller than it really is. Worse if he has a big belly, for he won’t see anything at all. “My word, it’s shrinking.” So when he sees photographs or watches those porno films where those guys are hung like horses, he develops this complex which manifests itself as penis envy. It’s a burden that he has to bear as the above Shakespeare quote corroborates. Read it again and you’ll see. So a man’s life is spent in the realm of comparative analysis, where he compares and analyses and very often feels inadequate. The advice columns are replete with letters from men who are greatly concerned, worried, anguished and upset by the size of their organ. This lady even wrote in saying, “Dear doctor, ever since my husband started to watch those porno films, he has gone into a state of depression, saying that his penis is too small. Our love life is suffering.” She is not alone, as doctors and medical journals have stated that most men think that their members are too small, even though that is far from the truth. The mean average is five and a half to six inches, yet many men would aspire to be eight, nine or even 10 inches. Enter the world of enhancers that range from creams, gels, pumps, to herbs, teas and even magic spells that are all guaranteed to fulfil their lives. Even movie stars and sports greats appear on TV to endorse these products. And the men lap it up, for in a man’s mind, bigger is better. I spoke to the women, and while they do say that size is not a big issue, conditions apply. If it’s really miniscule or at least too thin like a pencil, or even too large, they would pass. “But if it’s less than average and he knows what to do, I will work with it,” said one lady. But still the men are obsessed, and I have even heard some revelations on FAME FM’s Uncensored last week, where some men said that they were afraid to go with a woman whose previous man was bigger than he was. “But how would you know? Do you usually ask women about the size of their previous lover?” asked the host. Some men said yes. But women have a ready-made answer which suggests that no previous man is bigger than the current one. Women are smart. Still, this obsession is not new, for ancient history also revered men who were well endowed, although judging by the nude statues that abound in Europe, you’d have to admit that all things being equal, all men were not created equal. Those statues could do with some enhancement or should have been made by our sculptors on the North Coast who really embellish their statues with oversized organs. History will smile on us when a thousand years from now some archeologist finds those statues, shakes his head in awe and says, “Those damn Jamaicans, they win again.” But regarding those European statues, maybe the small size could be blamed on the cold, for we all know what cold weather does to a man anyway. Yes, frigid weather can be cruel to a man’s ego and does lead to shrinkage. Doctors say that this is a defence mechanism designed to protect those parts from the cold by drawing them up into the warmth of the body cavity. As for those male dancers who strut their stuff and let the ladies scream, research and documentaries have shown that these guys spend a lot of time oiling, massaging and prepping their organs before they take the stage, to achieve full potential…the same way that bodybuilders prep before performing. Pump it up.

History reveres the penis, and for many ancient tribes, it was a rite of passage for young men to attain manhood by hanging heavy weights from it, circumcision or piercing of that organ. Ouch. Piercing has made a comeback, and research has also shown that in some countries it’s all the rage as men try to use that to make up for size. Circumcision is still practised and although some modern-day doctors are not keen on it, many religions still do it. Science has proven that circumcised men suffer fewer infections and are less susceptible to catching STDs or even HIV/AIDS. They didn’t say immune, but somewhat less vulnerable. I still see letters from grown men who wish to be circumcised.

The biggest fear of men is that their organ will not perform when required, which leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to non-performance…which leads to more anxiety. And the cycle continues and is a self-fulfilling nightmare for some men. But with the wonder drugs such as Viagra and Cialis, there is help for many men. Even so, many still write to the advice columns seeking a solution. Oh, the anxiety that men go through even as they put on a brave front! So much so that many young guys have resorted to taking those drugs. The long-term effects are still unknown. Others drink alcohol to ease the tension, but a wise man once said, “Alcohol increases the desire but diminishes the performance.”

Ah, it’s the focal point of all men, straight or gay, rich or poor, short or tall, handsome or ugly. The famous words,”Walk softly and carry a big stick,” take on a new meaning. It’s so important to their existence, and it is the fervent desire of all men that they do not outlive their penis. But in the long run and in the final analysis, it all boils down to one thing, that to ease the pressure of any situation, to burst any bubble, to lance any boil, all it takes is just a little prick. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Every now and then a catch phrase comes along that simply wows. Nike has its simple tick and the words, ‘Just Do It.’ KFC has ‘Its Finger Licking Good,’Our National Family Planning Board had the slogan, ‘Two is better than too many,’ then we had ‘Pinch, Leave an Inch, Roll.’ Bob Marley’s ‘One Love’ is universal. ‘One Less’ is the brainchild of the Victoria Mutual Building Society and it could very well become a national motto. It simply says, do one less thing and use that extra money for savings. Brilliant in its simplicity. Not austerity, not starvation, but just one less drink, one less pair of shoes, one less night-out for the month, one less trip, one less woman and I may add, even one less child. The savings when calculated over time are staggering, and you have nothing to lose but so much to gain. It’s a stroke of genius and it’s Jamaican.