The spirit that I have seen

May be the devil,

And the devil hath power

To assume a pleasing shape.

— Shakespeare, Hamlet, II, 2

The abuse of power in the home, behind closed doors, in the bedroom, has been going on from men and women started to cohabit. It usually starts out very nicely, cordial, by someone with a pleasing shape, then blossoms into friendship, intimacy and romance.

Everything is hunky dory, great, lovey-dovey, until that pleasing shape morphs into something sinister, ugly, dangerous, and the first flash of abuse rears its ugly head. You have all heard the stories, or maybe even experienced it yourself. It’s never pretty.

Usually it’s only when it makes the news after someone dies that we are made aware that there was a problem in the relationship. In most cases it is silent, stealthy, deadly as a nuclear submarine. Sometimes onlookers are aware of the problem but refuse to say anything, until it’s too late.

“I heard them quarrelling and fighting and screaming every night, but me nuh business inna people affairs,” is the common cry.

It goes both ways, for men suffer from domestic abuse also. But whatever gender the abuser or the victim is, it paints a very ugly picture. On the surface it may just seem to be a case of men beating up women, or women abusing men, but there’s more to it than meets the eye as the data show.

It is disturbing, as we’ll see, right after these double responses to ‘Single, double, throuple’.

Hi Tony,

I recall that some single men, especially the older ones, were referred to as ‘confirmed bachelors’. Back in the day they couldn’t get a woman or were gay in the closet. As for the throuple, it could very well be bedded bliss for the man in the relationship, but are there throuples where there are two men with one woman? I imagine she would be one very lucky woman in bed if she so desires. This sordid situation makes the imagination run wild.

Beverly

Teerob,

Single, double, throuple, all of them have their own problems. If you’re single, you get lonely sometimes. If you’re double, your life can be full of crosses from your partner. Now there is the throuple that may seem glorious at first, but must have its set of problems too. For instance, will the affection be shared equally, will there be jealousy, can the man cope physically? See my point?

Elaine

We all know about domestic violence, where men batter women, sometimes killing them, or women also abuse men in emotional and physical ways. Yes, women beat men too, but it’s under-reported for reasons known only to the man, mostly shame. The ultimate trifecta is the unwanted threesome, resulting in murder/suicide, usually the man doing the ghastly deed.

But it matters not who beats whom, what really matters is what’s being done about it, and what laws are there to protect the victims. Well, I read a very instructive and eye-opening article put out by Jamaica Aids Support and the European Union titled ‘Startling facts about domestic violence’. Not only were they startling, but disturbing domestic data as well.

One disturbing fact is that a woman can contract HIV as a result of forced or coercive sex with her infected partner. Oh yes, a man will go outta street, get HIV, then come home to his woman and hold down and tek whey, as he forces sex on her and ultimately infects her.

So it’s not only about beating, but forced sexual abuse which many women will not report for fear of more violence. This fear of violence can also prevent the woman from reporting her illness, as for sure the man will drop more blows on her if she reports it and exposes his dark secret.

Not only that, but the man will refuse to wear a condom as that would expose his infidelity. He would rather expose his woman to the disease. If she suspects and insists, it’s more beating for her.

The women brave enough to take out a restraining order may encounter even more problems, as the devil is in the details. For example, there is no provision limiting the distance between the accused and the complainant in instances where there is a coincidental meeting. In other words, the man can just buck up the woman in the street and say that it was a coincidence.

So all he does is waylay her and harasses the daylights out of her. “Wow, fancy meeting you here, I was just in the area. Yuh keeping man with me?” Boof baff.

Then, if someone is convicted of violating a protective order they are only liable to a fine not exceeding $10,000 or imprisonment for not more than six months or both. As people would say, “Is what kinda monkey money dat fi beat up woman?”

For people living together, there is no timeline stipulated by the perpetrator of domestic violence to leave the home after the protection order is issued. It is left up to the discretion of the judge. “Now see my crosses, after the man batter the woman, him can still live in the house with her?”

There’s more. There is no provision to prevent the accused from removing common property from the residence. Neither is there anything requiring the accused to pay the applicant for monetary losses suffered by them as a direct result of domestic violence, including loss of earnings or support, medical or dental expenses, out of pocket expenses, injuries sustained, moving and accommodation expenses and costs, plus costs including legal fees.

Claims for such expenses have to be separately filed. “So, de man can mash up her things, lick out har teet and basically get away wid it?” I told you the data was disturbing. No wonder men continue to abuse women whenever they feel like.

Not only do the men act as if they own the women and have the right to lay hands on them, they’re also comforted by the fact that the laws are stacked in their favour. Do you remember the term? “Me will kick yuh and pay yuh and nutten come out of it.”

This sad fact applies to the broader society, where there are very little consequences for violence in general. I and others have written about it before, so no need to rehash it. No wonder many women can’t even bother to file reports or take out restraining orders, as the abuser will find ways to get around them.

Many people are suffering in silence because of the shame of domestic disturbance. This shame that accompanies it may very well override whatever abuse the victim is experiencing.

“I will prefer to live with the beating rather than let anybody know about the abuse,” is what many women secretly say. Shamefully this is endorsed by many families and churches which encourage the women to remain in the abusive relationship, “for sake of the sanctity of marriage”. “What God has put together, let no man put asunder,” says the Bible and is often quoted by parsons when counselling couples. In other words, stay home and live with the beating.

That, too, is disturbing. Sadly, sometimes even if the woman leaves, she is hunted down and abused even more, sometimes even killed by the monster. I often wonder why women bother to tell the man that they plan to leave, as all that does is sign their death warrant. Why not wait until the man is out of the house, then silently, secretly leave for an unknown destination?

I know, it’s often easier said than done, but it’s far better than telling him, “I’m packing my stuff and leaving you tomorrow.”

“Say wah, mek people laugh after me? Over your dead body.”

It really is disturbing, and the current laws do not seem to be helping the cause of the victims in any way.

Startling and disturbing facts that many people were not even aware of. Now you know.

More time.

PS: Data is or data are? ‘Data is’ is becoming more acceptable as language evolves, even though datum is the singular.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: This leap year has certainly started out with a bang. First there was that 7.7 magnitude earthquake that mercifully had its dangerous epicentre hundreds of miles away out at sea, far from us, and now the coronavirus pandemic. Pandemics are not new, there was the bubonic plague that wiped out millions in Europe and Asia in 1347. Then there was the Spanish flu of 1918 that killed between 80 and 100 million people worldwide. There were others. What’s interesting is the level of press that COVID-19 is getting compared to other viral disasters. World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that there were more than 10 million cases of measles last year, with outbreaks on every continent. An estimated 140,000 people died from measles in 2018, most in Africa. Measles killed over 5,000 people in the Democratic Republic of Congo in 2019. Surprised, right? Somehow we don’t see these reports in mainstream media. I wonder why?