‘Tis not to make me jealous

To say my wife is fair,

Feeds well, loves company,

Is free of speech, sings, plays,

And dances well;

Where virtue is, these are more virtuous.

— Shakespeare

That guy who said that is quite lucky, for his wife seems to have all the attributes that any man would wish for. She feeds well, which I guess means that she’s a good cook, or maybe she just likes to eat. She loves company, which could mean being comfortable among others, speaks her mind and speaks well, sings, plays an instrument and dances well.

And, of course, she’s virtuous, which means that she won’t run around with other men. Where can a man find such a woman who basically smacks of perfection? Is that what all men are looking for as they flit from one relationship to another? Or would such a woman intimidate most men, leaving them filled with trepidation, insecurity and fear?

Women are always seeking the perfect man, only to try and improve him after she gets him. But men don’t really look for perfection in women, but rather devotion, affection, loyalty and, of course, sex.

Unfortunately, it’s hardly likely that you’ll find all those assets in one woman, and that’s perhaps why some men will have four or five different women in tow, each possessing at least one of those assets, so that they can complete the whole.

Wives come in all types, and we’ll see just what they are, right after these responses to what women meant when they cried, ‘I want a man’.

Hello Tony,

Women are always expressing that they want a man, or need a man, or wish that the right man would come along to make them happy. They never stop to think that any man who is right, or good, or decent, may not want them because they themselves are far from perfect. Usually such men have sense and tend to steer clear of those needy, desperate women. Men know what they’re looking for, and it’s certainly not a desperate woman who constantly whines that she wants a man.

Sharon

Hi Tony,

I think what those women really mean is, I want a good man. The criteria may be different for each woman. No man is perfect, but should a woman find one that is near perfect, she will find the flaw and pick it to death. As for men not declaring to wanting a woman, this is limiting, because we want several women temporarily, flaws and all.

Stanley

That last letter really echoes what I’ve been saying all along, that when a woman finds the right man, she makes it her sworn duty to change him to suit her needs. Today, however, our focus will be on wives, not girls, not women, but wives.

It is clear that wives are special people, and one school of thought is that somewhere in some far off realm, there are institutions that tutor otherwise ordinary women to become wives. Either that, or there is some sort of device that transforms ordinary women into wives.

Some men can spot wife material from a distance, and will focus on those to marry. Others are to be steered far from. Oh yes, some are the marrying kind, while others you just have your fun with and move along. It does sound harsh, but it applies to men too, who are simply not cut out to be husbands.

Men don’t try to change women but wives certainly try to change men. That opinion is universal, and even singer Barbra Streisand said, “Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?”

Men haven’t got to attempt to change their wives, for the wives do the changes themselves. They never show their true hand until that ring is placed there, and the man doesn’t know what hit him until many years have passed.

No single woman is going to show her man that she’s a domineering control freak until she becomes his wife. Just like the gambler, she knows when to hold and when to fold. That being said, some men don’t seem to mind it, and give the reins of power over to their wives who are more than happy to take control. They basically abdicate and give up the throne.

After a while you’ll hear her say, “He’s completely useless, can’t do anything, I have to do everything.” Some men do not like it though, and lament the loss of their tranquil existence. This reminds me of a humorous story that I read. There was an English language competition in which 2,000 people participated. The competition was to write in one sentence about peace, calm and happiness. The winner wrote… “My wife is sleeping.” The judges hugged him with tears streaming down their cheeks when presenting the award.

That about sums up what many men are experiencing from that type of wife, one who is always on his case, always cantankerous and miserable. Sadly, you’ll hardly hear it out of those men’s mouths, as they suffer in silence.

Then there is the trophy wife, who some men seem to seek out. She is among the few who do not change after marriage, for having been blessed with beauty from birth, she simply rides on that train until the right man picks her up. She hasn’t got to lift a finger, do anything, accomplish anything, other than being beautiful.

“I haven’t got to work, men have taken care of me all my life because of my looks.”

Men who choose that type of wife usually have more than a few dollars in their bank accounts, for trophy wives are high maintenance. She constantly has to do her hair, her nails, her face, her skin, shopping, buying, spending. Remember what that man said in the quote above about his wife being fair? Fair, of course, meaning good looking, and for some men that’s all they seek.

Those men parade around with their trophy wives and show off on their friends and society in general.

“Look at my wife how she’s beautiful, and she’s all mine.”

But caveat emptor, buyer beware, for it was calypso singer Jimmy Soul who warned,

‘ If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,

Never make a pretty woman your wife,

So from my personal point of view,

Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small,

And very often causes his downfall,

But if you make an ugly woman your wife

You’ll be happy for the rest of your life..

An ugly woman cooks meals on time

And she’ll always give you peace of mind.’

In the same way that old, paunchy men are grateful to get a young, pretty wife, ugly women are grateful to get a husband. How unfortunate, but it’s just the reality of this cruel world. Bot the man and the woman, disenfranchised by age or ugliness, are grateful to get a partner, any partner. We have all seen it played out in reality.

I know men who are married to women who are downright ugly — let me not be unkind, let’s just say women who wouldn’t be signed to Pulse or Saint modelling agencies — and they tell me that their wives are the best thing that ever happened to them.

“I haven’t got to worry about other men looking at her, and she certainly knows how to please a man.”

Oh yes, wives who are not beautiful tend to make up for this lack of physical assets in other ways, and can heat up the kitchen and the bedroom with the same volcanic intensity as La Soufriere.

“Man, she can cook good, and when the lights are off looks are irrelevant.”

There’s also another plus, as ugly wives don’t spend so much doing nails and hair and stuff, but accept who they are.

Another type of wife is one who’s never satisfied. Nothing is good enough for her, not the car that her husband drives, not where she lives, or where he works.

“You can do better, we should move to somewhere nicer.”

In her mind she’s just settling, hoping for something better to come along. That something includes her husband too, as she’s always on the lookout for another man. Those are the wives who have the propensity to cheat, and it was Shakespeare who said, “The fittest time to corrupt a man’s wife, is when she’s fallen out with her husband.”

So wives come in all different types, and most don’t show their true colours until they become wives. If the man is lucky, he’ll get a good wife, but if not, his life will be hell on earth. Choose wisely.

More time.

Seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Oliver Samuels, or just Oliver as he’s popularly known, is undoubtedly our greatest comedian who continues to make us laugh from year to year and ear to ear. Maybe I’m flogging a dead horse here, but I still have to express my disappointment in not being able to garner funds to produce a video documentary of Oliver’s life and accomplishments. I first made the attempt to do so in 2014, and tried again this year with no success. We are a country with scant respect for our artistic history and fail so often to document the achievements of our icons. Other countries can show documentation of their past stars, while we have very little. There are so many others who should be documented, but I guess only foreigners can come here and do what we should be doing. It’s very upsetting.