Dear Counsellor,

I am recently separated and the mother of two young children under 12. When our children were babies, my husband asked me to stop working and stay home with the children, as he didn’t want them raised by nannies and was earning enough to support us all. I was a stay-at-home mom for all those years. In the process I lost my very good career and concentrated on the home and children. Now we are divorcing, and he said we have to go 50-50 with the expenses. I believe this is unfair, since I have no career prospects and our kids are still young. I expected him to continue providing us with the lifestyle we have become accustomed to, but he said this is no longer his problem, and he will also have to hire help for the times our children are in his care. Do you think I am being unfair? For clarity, I was working in a field that it’s almost impossible to re-enter at the stage I left, as I would need a lot of expensive professional training to catch up. Also, I’m not really inclined to start all over again, as my expectations were that I would be taken care of long term, and allowed to pursue my hobbies.

Understood! You’re trying to figure out how to keep your children and yourself at the standard of living that you’re accustomed to in light of your failing marriage. That isn’t unreasonable. Financial support for yourself and the children isn’t only subject to his opinion. Your level of support can be determined by the systems created to determine such things. What is fair or unfair is determined by the court, although it would be fantastic if you two could come to an agreement that suits you both.

There will be some changes in your lifestyle, though. When marriages fail it is often very disruptive. It’s one reason the
Bible says, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce…” (Malachi 2:16). Divorce is often more disruptive than digging up the entire foundation of your house to re-lay water pipes. It’s often inconvenient, frustrating, messy and painful.

Separation and divorce cost financially, emotionally and often spiritually. I encourage couples to do everything possible to salvage their relationships. I could plead with couples: “Do not take your relationship for granted. Work on your marriage and save yourselves from the harder ‘work’ later on. Invest in your love and marriage as zealously as you would invest in your children — because children grow most safely and healthily on the foundation of their parents’ love and healthy marriage.”

My advice:

Roll up your sleeves: Prepare to re-engage your skills. You must have some capacity to provide for yourself and your children, if the worst happens. Even if your ex provides what you are requesting, you do need some income-earning ability as a back-up plan. You don’t want to be absolutely dependent on him.

Keep things amicable with him: Endeavour to remain cordial; it doesn’t help when rancour and vitriol exist. Do your best not to malign him. And facilitate his interaction with the children, despite how you feel about him.

Don’t rush anything: Don’t be in a hurry to end the marriage. If there’s a modicum of a chance at reconciliation, work with it. Get the best counselling help you can get and work at finding where you both might have gone wrong. If you’ve already tried everything, including counsellors, then move on.

Get legal advice: If you’re certain the marriage is over then speak to a lawyer about your options and the next steps. You deserve support, and you’ll need a ruling on custody and visitation.

I pray that you’ll have the best possible outcome, and that prosperity, peace and happiness is in the future for yourself and your children.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.