Dear Counsellor,

My baby’s father, who I live with, constantly flirts with other women, and says that’s just his personality. He has no barriers or boundaries, and is always like this, to the point of being inappropriate sometimes. What’s your advice?

At some point you will have to realise it’s no longer about the behaviour of your partner, but what you’re willing to condone. You said that you live with him, so I assume there is an active relationship between you two, and he thinks so too. So you will have to determine at what point you say, “Enough of this!”

If he really does consider you his partner, then you are very correct not to accept truly inappropriate behaviour. He really would be displaying little respect for you. You said “he has no barriers or boundaries”, but you’ll need to consider what your own boundaries and barriers are too. People treat us the way we allow them to. What is your red line?

Now, some men do expect their women to “Juss chill! Cah man ah man”. Unfortunately, some men are immature that way, and do not understand that fidelity is truly good for them in the long run. For them it’s all fun and games, womanising or flirting, and disrespecting their partner with other women. Until they have created a reputation that ultimately causes them to be alone in the end. Or worse, they get stuck with someone who is seemingly ‘punishing’ them.

My advice:

Consider your red line: What is “enough” for you? Think about what the last straw will be. At some point, if you respect yourself, there must be a limit, where you say, “I deserve better”. What you have described isn’t a simple offence like leaving the toilet seat up. The behaviour you have described is very risky.

Consider your exit strategy: “NO” must always be an option. You must have the wherewithal to say “No, I will not accept this anymore.” In order for “no” to be an option, you’ll have to have an exit strategy. Think through where you will go and what you will do if the relationship fails. Have your plan and have “vex money” ready to exit the relationship if needed. The plan should include securing future child support.

Consider an ultimatum: Speak to him respectfully about the situation. Respectfully, because you want to communicate clearly. Let him know that he has disrespected you and caused you pain. Tell him that you are asking him to change, because you won’t put up with the disrespect any longer. Determine a timeline by which you’ll need to see change, or you’ll leave.

Consider your future: Think about securing your future. Your health is at risk if he is sexually involved with anyone and also intimate with you. Sexually transmitted diseases are still a very real thing. You may find something beautiful and better if this relationship doesn’t work out. Give yourself due respect. And remember, do your proper research before committing to or sleeping with anyone.

Consider your child/children: What is the example being set for them? One of unrestrained womanising? One where they don’t have boundaries or respect for themselves or their partner? It may not be easy initially, but it is important to set them an example of a healthy lifestyle.

The Bible says, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). It means, what is safe for romantic relationships is to be “one man to one wife”. Promiscuity is never prudent.

I pray you’ll have a happy and healthy resolution. Feel free to reach out to counsellorscouch.com for additional assistance.

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Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.