Counsellor,

My son recently married a woman who, to be completely honest, I can’t stand. I know it’s wrong to feel this way, but I can’t shake my deep dislike for her, and it’s causing a lot of tension in our family. From the moment we met, I had a bad feeling about her. She’s nothing like the woman I envisioned my son marrying—she’s controlling, manipulative, and seems more interested in what she can gain from him than in loving him for who he is. I’ve watched as she’s distanced him from his friends and even from our family. He has changed since he has been with her, and not for the better.

I want to support my son, but I can’t stand by and pretend that I’m okay with this situation. At the same time, I can’t just sit back and watch him be unhappy or manipulated by someone who doesn’t seem to have his best interests at heart. Should I keep my feelings to myself for the sake of peace, or is there a way to express my concerns without alienating him?

So, your son married someone you think is wrong for him, and it’s causing a problem. Understood. Let me make this point to all and sundry: A parent’s blessing on a marriage is important. It is not good if a parent genuinely does not like your partner. But to qualify that statement, there must be a good reason for the “dislike”. It can’t be a “feeling”, or a superficial issue, like looks, language, or nationality. It should be a reasonable and clearly definable reason as to why the person is not a good match.

You have said that she is “controlling, manipulative, and seems more interested in what she can gain from him”. But, my question to you would be, why isn’t your son seeing what you are seeing and saying? Do you think there’s a vulnerability that your son has? Is he particularly susceptible to manipulation and being used? If so, a big part of the issue would be your son’s vulnerabilities and mitigating against that.

Now, regarding keeping your feelings to yourself, my response is, yes and no. At this point you can’t pressure them with complaints, they’re already married. The focus has to be on “management” of the situation. This means sharing just enough of your concern to help them make it as a couple.

My advice:

Speak with other family members: Speak to your partner, other children, your siblings, etc. Be open and humble. See if they see what you see. If they do, then they can be a part of the “intervention crew”. You can ask them to join you in an outing and chat with your son about mitigating the risks he’s taken on. A group of mature guys, such as uncles and a friend, might be a good intervention crew.

Chat with your son: Let him feel your support. And you can’t just say, “Mi nuh like har. Yuh nuh si seh…” No! That might indeed alienate him. Respect him and his choice, and simply help him survive the choice. Be clear and make sure you know exactly why you think she’s controlling or manipulative. Think through a plan of how he could manage the situation, and still be happy. Make sure he feels that you have his back, no matter what.

Be respectful to her: She’s your daughter-in-law now. You can’t not “stand” her. Do the hard but gentle work of teaching them both how to relate to each other, and how to make things harmonious. Get them the counselling help they may need if necessary. Counsellorscouch.com is available.

Parents should have some say in their children’s selection process of a mate. In your case, the choice has been made. It’s now up to you to choose wisely with how you’ll treat both your son and your new daughter-in-law.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.